Tagged with " Men"
Feb 28, 2010 - rant, women    45 Comments

Desi men and pick up lines

There is something galactically wrong with Desi men when it comes to interaction with beautiful women they are not related to. Most men, in general, have not mastered the art of coming up with a perfect pick up line, but desi men take the cake in uttering the most inane and at times downright stupid pick up lines. I can actually write a whole book about nauseating lines I have heard in my lifetime but the latest one takes the cake.

There is a beautiful blonde woman I work with and she was down with flu. When she came back after the weekend, I asked her about the state of her health. While we were talking, there was an Indian gentleman (who was properly introduced to us earlier) eavesdropping on our conversation and after I left, he went up to her and inquired about her health. She thanked him for his concern said she was feeling much better. For lack of anything else to talk about but also wanting to hang on to the conversation, the Indian guy – out of nowhere – asked her if she was constipated. Seriously! I stopped dead in my tracks, turned around and looked at how was the girl responding? She, for obvious reasons, gave that guy a weird look, and walked on.

He actually was a normal person with no obvious stalker like tendencies but he managed to repel that girl is one minute straight. I mean seriously, what is wrong with desi men?


Polygamy for the greater good



There is an ancient Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” Whenever I read it, I always think that it must have been coined keeping Pakistan or Pakistan like situation in mind.
Last year with repeated shoe throwing incidents at Ghulam Arbab Rahim, former Chief Minister of Sind, I gave the verdict that Sind Assembly is the lamest legislation house in Pakistan where people indulge in brawling at no provocation. The image took a further nosedive when MQM MPAs in the assembly expressed grief by commemorating a moment of silence at the death of Michael Jackson. I mean we all loved good ol’ MJ and I am sure Mr. Faisal Sabzwari must have grooved to ‘Thriller’ in his younger days, but I was kinda lost and failed to make the connection between Sind Assembly and MJ. But of late, Punjab Assembly has dethroned Sind Assembly as the legislative body where all the moronic, dense and dim witted good for nothing publicity whores gather and talk nonsense at the tax payers’ expense.
A few weeks back, a PML – Q MPA, Ms. Samina Khawer Hayat has decided to straighten the youth of Pakistan by proposing a bill on putting a ban on all the late night cell phone packages across Punjab. According to her, the young boys and girls are wasting their time chatting and texting with each other which is not only bad for their academic grades but is also deemed un-Islamic. She blamed the cell phone companies for the moral degradation of youth by keeping the phone charges so affordable. The best way to deal with the issue was to keep the cell phone charges out of purchasing power of the younger Pakistanis. Needless to say, Ms. Hayat got prime time coverage and was interviewed by many news channels with nothing better on their agendas. A day before the bill was proposed, no one apart from Ms. Hayat’s three children knew or cared about her and all of a sudden, she became the woman who would affect not only millions of young and not so young Pakistanis who call their friends and family late at night, but also the profit margins of perhaps the only successful and commercially viable sector in Pakistan.
Now, Ms. Hayat had tasted blood and she was like this vampire who needed a constant fix to feed into her yearning for more fame, prime time TV spots and front page newspaper headlines. The next thing we knew, she totally hijacked the bill proposed by her colleague Sheikh Allauddin, when she came out and said that men can and should marry a second, a third and a fourth time without the consent of their first wife. While presenting her precious views in favour of polygamy, Ms. Hayat said:

“If there is no bar on them marrying again, all of men’s frustrations would be reduced, while women would be able to salvage their honour and lead secure lives.”

Now call me extremely thick , but if all these men are already married to super women like Ms. Hayat herself, then why in the God’s name are they still so bloody frustrated? Secondly, if there are so many single unmarried women around, why are they not frustrated? Is sexual frustration a male domain only? Are all unmarried women without honour which they can only salvage or reclaim after becoming someone’s second, third or fourth wife? What kind of society have we become where the only course of security for a single woman is to become someone‘s second, third or fourth wife. I guess in Ms. Hayat’s esteemed opinion, the state that has repeatedly failed to provide security to its female population can only go forward by promoting some seriously misogynist legislation.
Like I mentioned earlier, Punjab Assembly has managed to congregate all the idiots par excellence so most treasury members endorsed Hayat’s demand and appreciated her ‘bold’ stance on the issue. Sheikh Allaudin and Maulana Ilyas Chinnioti and Amina Buttar termed her suggestion “ideal”. I was not present there but I am sure that Maulana Chinioti must have been salivating when he said that Hayat had ‘voiced the wishes of Muslim women’.
While there are people who are hoping that Samina Khawar Hayat’s husband marry three more women without her permission ASAP and some are envious of her husband as she has so generously bestowed her husband with the permission to seek wife number 2, 3 & 4, I will only share her contact details.
Those of you who either want to praise Ms. Samina Khawar Hayat or call her names can do so by texting or calling at her cell number 0300-8030786. This is my public service of the day.

I don’t know about the others, but we are seriously living the Chinese curse.

Dec 18, 2008 - romance, women    31 Comments

My knight in shining Corvette

Scottish professors have just confirmed what I have always known; watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life, in my case, it can extinguish the love life before it even begins.

Researchers at the Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory at Heriot Watt University in Scotland have concluded that romantic films ruin romance for real life lovers. Films such as Four Weddings and a Funeral and Notting Hill give people the idea of unrealistic love and huge expectations.

Psychologists at the family and personal relationships laboratory at the university studied 40 top box office hits between 1995 and 2005, and identified common themes which they believed were unrealistic.

The movies included You’ve Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

The university’s Dr Bjarne Holmes said: “Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it.”
“We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people’s minds.”

I have actually known a girl who has watched Love Story 26 times and she took it for granted that her university would be filled with rich good looking replicas of Ryan O’Neal. The only rich and handsome guy in her class was the son of local landlord and he had already run through a wife when she met him.

But not all romantic films are a waste, at least I think that way. Remember About a Boy, that was the only decent Hugh Grant film where his bumbling and fumbling ways were actually charming and despite the ultra corny “You complete me” and ‘You had me at hello”; Jerry Maguire presented a romance as real as it can be in a romantic comedy, complete with first awkward date, confused marriage, trial separation and a not so beautiful kid.

We all know that romcoms are not for real, but we still tend to believe that we might be the lucky ones who will end up with their own fairytals, but not every girl is modern day Cinderella of Pretty Women whose knight came charging in a shinning white Cadillac to rescue her; mere mortals have to work their asses off on a relationship provided they can find somebody half decent.

If I happen to find a knight, I would want him come charging in a shining Corvette.

PS: I think this blog is being over run by Colin Firth images.


Aug 1, 2008 - women    No Comments

Four were not enough !

My colleague and I were two different newspapers this morning and we both said WTF in unison. We both were reading the same news. According to AFP and BBC, a member of the Saudi religious police has been accused of having six wives at the same time – two more than allowed under religious laws.

The 56-year-old was detained in south-western Jizan province. Three of the women involved were Saudis and the other three were from Yemen.

What is most ironic about this news is that the polygamist par excellence is actually a member of Muttawa (The virtue police). Members of the Saudi Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice are expected to enforce the kingdom’s strict interpretation of Islam, particularly regarding relations between the sexes. They tell women to keep all their hair hidden and raid coffee houses to see if people drinking coffee together are mehrams to each other. After a lifetime of lynching people for small offenses, the polygamist muttawa probably thought he is untouchable.

The accused denies the women are all currently his wives and says he has divorced two of them. Muslim men can keep up to four wives at a time under sharia, or Islamic law, which is applied in Saudi Arabia. I think he is very smart to play the numbers so that even if you have had a hundered wives in your lifetime, you never have more than 4 wives at any one time. King Saud, founding father of the kingdom married a women from all the major tribes to bring unity (what an absolutely original way to bring unity to one’s country) and is speculated to have had 22 wives.

I am wondering what kind of punishment this guy will get. Will it be Zina because not more than 4 women can be his wives so will he face lashes or will he be stoned to death? Will they only stone him to death or will they stone two of the wives? How will they determine which of the six women is he currently married to and who are concubines (I used for the lack of a more appropriate word). Should the authorities take his word for it after his lies?

Six is way too many a wives; even those who sanction polygamy think he’s pushin’ it.

Apr 2, 2008 - Society    No Comments

Its not you honey, its what you read!

My good friend Andrew sent me this article from The New York Times which is about how a person’s reading habits can affect his/her romantic life. The examples in the article vary from “Can you believe it! He hadn’t even heard of Pushkin!” to breaking up with a sweet boyfriend because he was a huge Ayn Rand/Atlas Shrugged/Fountainhead fan to another break up led by the fact that the boy friend thought “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” changed his life.

It lead me to thinking if reading habits really reveal all that much about people or do people were looking for excuses to break up and thought that lack of familiarity with a dead Russian writer is good enough reason. Does reading Nabakov or Kundera mean you are smart or does it mean you are a pretentious a%$&*e? Personally, the smartest man I have known had never heard of either Kundera or Wilde (two of my most fav writers), but that had no effect on either his intellect or his wit. But then, a friend (you know who you are) first got attracted to her husband when he said that as a child, his favourite book was SecretGarden. If it works for you, go for it, but it cannot be taken as a rule. Waisay bhi, men read a lot less than women and holding it against them is a tad childish. If men start holding lack of knowledge about car parts against women, they don’t stand a chance.

Jan 28, 2008 - Society    8 Comments

The Myth of Pakistani Stud

So along with a million and one Indians, Shobha De (yes, the one who write ultra trashy novels that get published and I cant find editors for my 1000 word articles) also jumped in to discuss the myth about Pakistani studs (for full story, see ). Ever since Britney Spears started hanging around that shady character (can’t dignify it by calling it dating) Indian newspapers went in a tizzy about Pakistani stud muffins and how they woo the fair ladies from the far far away lands. The earlier examples cited were Princess Diana and a very irritating Jemima Khan (cant make up my mind, who I find more irritating, Jemima or her ex).

First of all, I want to know what is wrong with Indians? What fascination they have about romance with Pakistanis, be it men or women (we have seen enough of Veer Zara type films to know that the fascination just does not end with any specific gender).

If you ask me, I would say that Pakistani men are NOT wonderful at all, perhaps with exception of a very tiny minority, the rest are worst than their counterparts in other parts if the world, India included. Jemima and Lady Di fell for them because they did not know any better. Diana (God rest her soul in peace), did not live to regret her decision – thank heaven for small mercies – and Jemima has wizened up after 9 long years and left our pathan bhai ji for an equally unimpressive Hugh Grant (some people just never learn).

Like other Britney affairs, including her two marriages, this too shall not last. Waisay bhi, we have enough problems of our own, we sure as hell, do not need another train wreck.

Ms. De goes a little further and says that the mem sahibs in question sought salvation of some kind, when they hooked up with Pakistani men. I beg to differ and think that they just were looking for something different; like an evening out to eat curry after eating Yorkshire pudding and fish and chips for sooo long.

She further went on and said that the next stud (!?!?!?!?!) to attract a foreigner is Asif Zardari. Even the most ardent admirers of Mr Z would find it unpalatable that he be called stud. STUD!!!!!! Some people have started using the words soooo liberally. I don’t think Mr. Z is in the market for a wife, mem sahib or otherwise, for the time being. Unless, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari comes back after finishing his degree and Mr. Z hands over the party reigns to his son, he will watch his steps very carefully and play the dutiful widower who will be sitting beside the picture of his more dynamic deceased wife.

In any case, you only get lucky once.

As for Pakistani studs, I am yet to see a genuine true blue one.

Nov 30, 2007 - religion, Society, women    4 Comments

If it is polygamy for New York, what about polyandry for San Jose?

Being single and not 19 anymore, everyone assumes that I am desperately seeking matrimony. One of my very good friends who believe that it is impossible to find decent men in Pakistan and has been urging me for soooo long to pack my bags and move to North America (She alternates her time between Vancouver and Seattle and has been trying to sell to me the virtues of living in a city where it rains 360 days a year). She just sent me this article that actually has top 5 cities in US where women can find young, healthy and straight men. She actually believed that a lazy being like me, who has so far not budged, despite wanting to live in a more civilized, more tolerant and women friendly society would actually consider moving across the world to look for men!!!!!

They actually crunched some numbers on seven categories that have a bearing on how great a city might be for finding guys. They are: ratios of single men to single women and of gay to straight; divorce rates; fitness; philanthropy; education; and the thrill factor places where guys and girls do the kind of fun stuff that makes hearts race and bonds form.

The city that came on top was … San Jose, California. Apparently, the city has the greatest concentration of single, intelligent, physically fit men who love high-adrenaline activities. The article said that “San Jose is the heart of Silicon Valley, and technology is notoriously male-dominated. There are literally throngs of guys in striped shirts and khakis on every street corner.” So all the women who want khakis clad me with well paid jobs, head to San Jose. On the contrary, my only friend who has lived in San Jose for two and half years think the city is full of weird people and has recently moved to San Francisco. The other top five cities are Salt Lake City, Arlington (Texas), Raleigh (North Carolina), and last but not the San Francisco, which according to the article has surprising number of straight single men.

Dr Zakir Naik (of QTV) was the first person I thought of after reading this. Remember, he said that there are 300,000 more women in New York than man and there is a sizeable gay population, hence those men who can afford it should all take another wife to save the 300,000 New York girls from impending spinsterhood. Would he recommend polyandry for San Jose or Alaska or North Scotland and our own Malakand Division where men outnumber women by great numbers?

I for one am too lazy to move out of my extremely polluted comfort zone (Karachi) but those of you who are brave and active enough to relocate, San Jose is waiting for you.

Sep 26, 2007 - Uncategorized    2 Comments

We are neither happy, nor gay!!!

Suffering from the ‘foot in mouth’ disease, President Ahmadinejad has done it again, this time in front of some of the most intelligent young people. He was greeted with laughter and cries of disbelief, and rightly so, when he told students and staff at Columbia University: “In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals. In Iran we don’t have this phenomenon. I don’t know who has told you we have it.”

Since the Islamic revolution in Iran, there have been strenuous but not always successful efforts to bury this past. Of all the Muslim countries, Iran at the moment is probably the most active in persecuting gay people. This probably has less to do with religion than local political and cultural factors. Rumour has it that House of Raza Shah Pahlavi was overwhelmingly gay. His Prime minister was a homosexual man and even Shah was bi-sexual. (For complete story, see http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/brian_whitaker/2007/09/no_homosexuality_he re.html)

I have been to Iran and traveled all over the country by road (a total of 16 major cities). The number of metro sexual men in most Iranian cities is far higher than, let’s say, either Manchester or San Francisco (cities famous for their sizeable gay population). If the law of averages is to be applied and half of those hyper metro sexual men are gay, then that’s a huge number. The Arab and Persian literature is filled with homo erotic themes for centuries; calling it un natural or western is not only stupid but ignorant as well.

It also leads one to wonder if this historic prevalence of homosexuality and homoeroticism in the Middle East responsible for historic exclusion of women from full participation in society, or vice versa? He is taking the leaf out of Dr Paul Joseph Goebbels ( German politician and Minister for Public Enlightenment and Propaganda under Adolf Hitler) who said that if you lie convincingly and repeatedly, you eventually believe it and it goes away.

May 20, 2007 - Society, women    2 Comments

We are a confused nation

Ahhh I was waiting to hear news like that. The Lahore High Court (ordered the Interior Ministry to place the names of a same-sex couple of Faisalabad on the Exit Control List after they failed to appear before the court despite arrest warrants.

The court, on an application of Tariq Hussain, father of Shehzina, the alleged wife of Shamile Raj, ordered to place the couple on the ECL.The father, in his application, apprehended that the couple could flee the country. He said Shamile Raj and Shehzina were planning to flee the country with the help of some NGOs and they had completed their documents for the purpose. He told the court that a network was working in Faisalabad, which arranged same sex marriages, and Khalid Bhatti was its ringleader. ‘Many others, including a daughter of Khalid Bhatti and brother of Shamile Raj, are also involved in it,’ he alleged. He said he had registered a case against Bhatti and the couple while the police arrested Zahid, brother of Shamile Raj. The couple, Shamile Raj and Shehzina Tariq. had approached the LHC, seeking protection from the police and harassment from their families, masquerading as husband and wife. But the matter took a new turn when Tariq Hussain, the father of Shehzina, appeared in the court and submitted that both were girls. He disclosed that Shamile Raj was a girl and her original name was Nazia. Later, the court ordered the medical examination of Raj, the ‘husband’ which confirmed she was a woman.

Despite being an extremely homoerotic country (where else you find men holding hands in public, public display of wild passionate encounters on all chappar hotels along the GT Road with transvestites, hermaphrodites and young boys; women getting married to Quran who later take up concubines ) we now have the distinction of being homophobic and that too at judicial level. Yes, we are a confused nation and this further validates the confusion

Up until now, we have only been putting corrupt politicos and Al-Qaeda members wanted by good ol’ US on the exit control list but now this list has gotten diversified. I am all for diversity, it has what made US great and I am sure it will make us great too, of course in due course. Before this our exit control list was overwhelmingly male, now it has members from the fairer sex. Some of the detractors of women’s inclusion in the list will say that it just another ploy to get western asylum and once they will reach the western hemisphere, they will revert back to their straight ways.