Tagged with " Ironic"
Jan 4, 2009 - rant    50 Comments

Updating your life – online

If I were a pop psychologist I would say that the constant status change on facebook/gtalk/similar-social-networking-websites-that-I am-unaware-of is attention seeking behaviour of the worst order. I have no problem with people seeking attention or basking in the glory of self love, but if you change your status five times in a day, especially with open ended and ambiguous sentences like ‘Nishi is still looking …’ to ‘Rizwan is trying hard, really’ then I think a call to local shrink wouldn’t hurt. The more ambiguous the status is; chances are that you get more responses. The more naïve ones in the friend’s list always respond to such cries of help with, ‘Oh Nishi, what is it that you are looking’ to ‘I hope you find what you are looking for’ to best wishes for Rizwan who is trying really hard. Come on folks, what do you know? He might be constipated and trying really hard and updated his status while trying to take crap. Now would you normally go sending best wishes to people who are tying to take crap? No. But on facebook, it is the order of the day.

The funniest thing is, if you do respond honestly to any such status, it can lead to disastrous consequences and can jeopardize your relationship with your acquaintances – for life. Someone I know have recently gotten married and have changed her status very frequently but they were always about how deliriously happy she is now that she is hitched (the word hitched was mentioned in at least 5 of her statuses). After one such nauseating declaration of love and coupledom, I commented with this line: “I hope you are ready for the life long monogamy ahead.” She deleted my comment and went ballistic afterwards, calling me names and what not. She even asked some of her friends to socially boycott me. She wanted me socially boycotted because I warned her about monogamous married life? Facebook can do that people.

There are some facebook statuses that are less of a status and more of a declaration. For instance the politically inclined Muneeb Ahmed thinks the infighting has already begun amongst the Democratic majority or the arty Shamil Shams is of the opinion that Anand Bakhshi was one of the most underrated lyricists of Indian Cinema.

There are some statuses that include another person and can lead to interrogation of the worst order. For instance, this is the status my friend A had before she left for Italy last month: “A can’t wait for Italy! esp. since Tazeen has raised her expectations about the oh so orgasmic species of Italian men.” You can so imagine what must have happened afterwards. Common friends ganged up on me asking me why such delightful details were kept a secret and why only A was privy to that information. The most delightful thing I have experienced in Italy was the Italian Gelato (ice-cream) and I only wished I had such ‘oh so orgasmic’ encounters with Italian men. The interrogation sessions I had after wards would have put the interrogators at Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay) to shame.

Another thing I am absolutely sick of is the honeymoon related status updating. The past three months have been the extended wedding season in Pakistan. A vast majority of Pakistanis goes to Malaysia for honeymoons and I get status updates like A & B or X & Y are honeymooning in Genting or in Langkavi? Honestly, who gives two hoots if you are honeymooning in location A or B.? In any case, if you are busy updating your status on facebook, you obviously are not having the honeymoon you should have. Something is definitely missing.

So far, the most original facebook status I have seen has come from my friend Zoe. It goes something like this: Zoe is gun powder, treason and plot.

Aug 18, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Humiliation quotient

I have recently found out that humiliation quotient for applying for a European visa has increased manifold. Not only do I submit proof of sufficient funds and the fact that I have a proper invitation, I now am required to submit my NTN (National Tax number for uninitiated)!!!!

I mean WTF, seriously?

Aug 12, 2008 - religion, women    3 Comments

The cucumber farce

There is bizarre and there is bizarre and there are some things that are beyond bizarre, this has got to be one of them. Al Qaeda is responsible for introducing us to many crazy things such as OBL and mullahs of various shades, hues and varieties but the latest edict released by the Al Qaeda Iraq chapter is so preposterous and ridiculous, it’s not even funny.
They have imposed a ban on women buying suggestively-shaped vegetables like cucumber in the western province of Anbar.
A tribal Sunni elder, (a group that Al Qaeda is supposedly protecting) Sheikh Hameed al-Hayyes from a former Al Qaeda stronghold in the west of Iraq said, “The Al Qaeda regarded the cucumber as male and tomato as female. Women were not allowed to buy cucumbers, only men.”
“They even killed female goats because their private parts were not covered and their tails were pointed upward, which they said was haram,” he added.
Other absurd stipulations include an edict not to buy or sell ice-cream, because it did not exist in the time of the Prophet, while hair salons and shops selling cosmetics have also been bombed.
I personally would not want to argue with this logic, if a cucumber is haram then it is haram, no question about it. But what I like to know, if I am allowed to ask such a question, why only cucumber? Why not ban a more popularly suggestive fruit like Banana? Why not ban Zucchini or Courgettes which I am sure must have felt extremely left out. After all, they too are equally suggestively shaped, if not more, and deserve to be banned like cucumbers. I would also like to know if it is only haram to buy the cucumber. Can a woman slice and dice and eat cucumber bought by men or is that too prohibited by the good leaders of Al Qaeda Iraq?
Similarly, if tomatoes are considered female, can man buy them? Can a man eat a tomato bought by a woman? If he cannot then can the tomato be used in cooking the food that a man will eat? After all, tomatoes lose their suggestive shape and men can eat them safely without ever having a lustful thought.
It seems that life under Al Qaeda was not only violent but also farcical.

May 23, 2008 - Society    No Comments

Happy and gay

Someone, lets call him ‘J’, recently asked me if I have any gay friends. After going over all my current friends, I had to relent that I have no gay friends. I mean I had a couple of really cool friends back in university who also happened to be gay and I have worked with gay people (one of my former bosses was gay, although no one is Pakistan ever comes out of closet and admits it) in the past. Perhaps Begum Nawazish Ali was the only exception who openly claimed to be an icon for gays, cross dressers and all things un straight but even he seems to be mending his ways and is now looking for a dulhaniya very actively. Yes, there are a people or two who I suspect are off the ‘straight and narrow’ path but as they still are in the closet, I cannot claim to have friends who are happy and gay.

Anyways, when I asked J why was he interested in my supposedly gay friends, he said (no, I am not joking) that he always wanted to have gay friends because it will add diversity in his group of friends and acquaintances. He actually believed that being a social misfit that I am, I must have had a friend who goes the ‘other way’.

I was truly intrigued with this idea. Do people actually seek out gay friends so that can claim to be open minded and cool? There was just one way of finding out so I wrote to this friend of mine (from university) and asked him if he is ‘oh so popular because he is gay’.

He said that he would hate to think that he is only popular because he is gay – and he is popular – but whenever he meets a new set of people, they do gather around him and ask really stupid questions. People have asked him everything from the most obvious one ‘when did you find out you were gay’ to relatively personal one ‘How do you know you’re really gay if you’ve never been with a woman?’ to extremely personal one such as ‘how do you feel when ^&(*&*#$ and @%#@$%* and *@$%$’. Mind you, my friend is a Greek man who lives in Chicago, Illinois, imagine this conversation in a desi set up with two aunties frowning up on you for socializing with the spawn of heathens. That sure as hell will spook the living day lights out of you.

One of the reasons my gay friend pointed out which adds to the popularity of gay people is that if they ever make a pass at straight people, it would give the straight people fodder for a party story for the rest of their lives that how they are so irresistible that people of the same sex make passes at them.

What about you guys? Do you actively seek out gay friends? And girls, do you all want a ‘Will’ to your ‘Grace’? And gays, do you guys really get bombarded with weird queries?

Apr 2, 2008 - Society    No Comments

Its not you honey, its what you read!

My good friend Andrew sent me this article from The New York Times which is about how a person’s reading habits can affect his/her romantic life. The examples in the article vary from “Can you believe it! He hadn’t even heard of Pushkin!” to breaking up with a sweet boyfriend because he was a huge Ayn Rand/Atlas Shrugged/Fountainhead fan to another break up led by the fact that the boy friend thought “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” changed his life.

It lead me to thinking if reading habits really reveal all that much about people or do people were looking for excuses to break up and thought that lack of familiarity with a dead Russian writer is good enough reason. Does reading Nabakov or Kundera mean you are smart or does it mean you are a pretentious a%$&*e? Personally, the smartest man I have known had never heard of either Kundera or Wilde (two of my most fav writers), but that had no effect on either his intellect or his wit. But then, a friend (you know who you are) first got attracted to her husband when he said that as a child, his favourite book was SecretGarden. If it works for you, go for it, but it cannot be taken as a rule. Waisay bhi, men read a lot less than women and holding it against them is a tad childish. If men start holding lack of knowledge about car parts against women, they don’t stand a chance.

Mar 24, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Facebook is mean

Facebook is mean, yes, I mean it. Every other day, I get an email saying something like this: 2 per cent of my friends think I am smart and 90 per cent think I am the best potential mother. I mean what the &(*$%)^$#@!?

Honestly, if I were taking it critically, I would have fought with all my friends (I think I am damn smart and do take my smartness and smart ass attitude very seriously) by now.

100 percent of my friends (actually its just three who have voted for me) think that I am most likely to win in a fight but none think I have a better profile picture!

An overwhelming 100 percent think I am more confident and well-mannered (thank you all 11 of you) but only 2.5 percent think I am hot.

This is the last email I got from Facebook.

Social News for March 24, 2008

Here is what your friends think about…

… your strengths:

best companion on a desert island

… your weaknesses:

person with the best profile picture

Like I said, facebook is mean.

Mar 3, 2008 - rant    6 Comments

I rant, therefore I am …

For all you five people who read my blog, I need to rant, badly, so please bear with me.

Someone I went to college with read some posts at my blog and wrote back to me saying that I should write fiction. Honestly, for a minute, I was taken aback (I thought she was praising me and that did take me by surprise) and started fantasizing about being called the Pakistani version of Dave Barry (I know, I know, I am much better looking than good ol’ Dave – a lot less wrinkles fewer grey hair) but then came the dampener. She said that what I write is chick-lit and then went on to define chick-lit and what is considered chick-lit in da USA, as if we, in the backwaters of Pakistan do not know what it is. Ufff I wanted to scream that I know what chick-lit is, we sort of invented it. What they in USA call chick-lit is called zenana adab here; we have produced many chick-lit giants such as Zaitoon Bano, A.R. Khatoon and more recently, Fatima Surraiya Bajiya and Haseena Moin. We even had male chick-lit writers like Deputy Nazeer Ahmed for his akbari asghari saga definitely falls under chick-lit. Khawateen Digest is probably the most popular example of chick-lit in Pakistan and it has been doing roaring business since god knows when. Heck, all our mothers and grand mothers used to read them and have been doing that way before terms like chick-lit or chick-flicks were coined.

Ek tau I generally hate patronizing people, but more so when they are your age but think they know better because they happen to live in USA. As if a blue passport and living in da USA can have positive impact on one’s mental faculties. If that had been the case, we would not have had to endure the last 7 years seeing Bush fumble and mumble incomprehensively a million and one times because the smart people living in da USA would have elected a better person.

Funny thing is, what I write cannot be classified under chick-lit. For one, my wit is too dry for chick-lit, secondly, I am way too irreverent to ever write about panting chests and heaving bosoms and last but not the least is that chick-lit is always about a man, where the chick protagonist fantasize about one perfect specimen of manhood and would do anything to get him. Being the narcissist that I am, I usually write about myself. It is always about what I do, what I think and most importantly; what and who I hate. I love myself and chances are that I will stay in love with myself for a very long time. Such self love would make the requisite pinning (a must for chick-lit) almost impossible to flourish and I will continue to rant as gloriously as I do now.

I rant, therefore I am.

Feb 29, 2008 - rant, Society    12 Comments

Not quite the party animal

I have been told that there is something seriously wrong with me. Some think it is physiological, some think it is psychological and some consider it to be psycho-physiological, but the fact remains, I dread going to parties and it is deemed to be abnormal by most of my peers. I am still young, social enough to know some people and get occasional if not regular invitations and am considered quite witty (not my words) yet I am the last person who will be looking forward to a party or at least the parties with big crowds and loud music.

Despite popular claims that I am not normal, I consider myself quite normal (could be an acute case of self delusion), but I don’t enjoy parties like normal folks. My biggest flaw is that I actually expect meaningful conversation when I go to a party. Instead of talking about who is wearing what and who is doing whom, I talk about things that actually matter. Is that too big a faux pas?

The other reason is that I am not too fond of parties is that I don’t like Dubai. I have a theory that one’s popularity in the current party scene is inversely proportional to one’s fondness for all things Dubai. Be it hopping over to catch the latest Shahrukh Khan flick or a game of golf with that ‘old Indian friend; or buying that designer bag, everyone has their fair share of Dubai stories. As my Dubai stories are limited to a few hours stop overs on my way to other less commercial destinations around the globe, I feel quite inadequate at the requisite Dubai story session at the parties. While in transit at the Dubai airport, I either hide in the toilet for special persons or the Irish bar where one would never run into desi people asking questions ranging from the origins of your tribe to the weight of your luggage and if you will be willing enough to carry that last minute addition in their luggage which is carrying that bag of chocolates for chintos and bubloos.

My third reason for not going to a party is related to the second one. As I don’t go shopping in Dubai, I don’t have a Louis Vuitton handbag and one cannot go to a party without a designer bag. It is a must have accessories these days, more important than any other type of arm candy, and I usually feel like an impostor at such do-s with my functional leather bag with no designer tag on it.

The fourth reason I am not a party person is that I am against abuse, be it people abuse or substance abuse. As most parties these days are about being wasted, which is aesthetically called ‘letting go’, being the only person in command of your faculties can be extremely trying at times, especially when you have to haul people off from various stages of letting go and then drop them off.

If I had been born in any other country, I would have quit the party scene ages ago, but being a Pakistani, it comes very naturally to me to do things I am not good at. After all, seeing the politicians and strongmen, who don’t know jack about either politics or running a country, have been heading one government after another, I too have taken a leaf or two out of their books and am sticking to what I can’t do well. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I have the decency of being charming and quirky.

Sep 18, 2007 - quirky    2 Comments

A soul mate that never was

I have been labeled a cynic by all women around me because I don’t believe in a perfect soul mate. In my opinion, a human being is too complex a creature to have a soul mate who would either think, behave or respond as desired by one. I was proven correct by this Bosnian couple, who while looking for soul mates found out that life is actually a bitch and then you die. Here is the story for you. ___________________________________________________________

A Bosnian couple is getting divorced after finding out they had been secretly chatting each other up online under fake names.

Sana Klaric, 27, and husband Adnan, 32, from Zenica, poured out their hearts to each other over their marriage troubles, and both felt they had found their real soul mate.The couple met on an online chat forum while he was at work and she in an internet cafe, and started chatting under the names Sweetie and Prince of Joy.

They eventually decided to meet up – but there was no happy ending when they realised what had happened.Now they are both filing for divorce – with each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

Sana said: “I thought I had found the love of my life. The way this Prince of Joy spoke to me, the things he wrote, the tenderness in every expression was something I had never had in my marriage.”It was amazing, we seemed to be stuck in the same kind of miserable marriages – and how right that turned out to be.

“We arranged to meet outside a shop and both of us would be carrying a single rose so we would know the other.”When I saw my husband there with the rose and it dawned on me what had happened I was shattered. I felt so betrayed. I was so angry.”

Adnan said: “I was so happy to have found a woman who finally understood me. Then it turned out that I hadn’t found anyone new at all.” To be honest I still find it hard to believe that the person, Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things to me on the internet, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years.”

source: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2512486.html?menu=

The funniest part is that they cheated on each other….with each other and then blamed each other, looks like a match made in heaven, what say?

May 30, 2007 - Uncategorized    2 Comments

Welcome to MY WORLD

I woke up this morning with electricity breakdown and I just knew that it would not turn out to be the day that I wanted. As soon as I started my car, Atif Aslam was crooning (read crying) on both the radio channels that I listen to. I had to tune into another radio station just to avoid him which is a lot of effort for someone like me. Then, I got pulled over by the traffic sergeant for actually driving the way everyone should; that is staying in my lane. I used my gift of gab, impressive angrezi skills and last but definitely not the least; my employment card from my previous job (the biggest TV channel in Pakistan). He behaved the way most sergeants behave with journalists in a third world country; he bowed with a smile and left way.

Then I got late for work and had to placate a boss who, on best of the days, is instable (and I am putting it very very mildly) and can flare up over the minutest of things. After I settled in my make shift desk, (yes, I recently got evicted from my cabin) I had to endure an interrogation session by this bozo at work who is intolerable on the best of the days and today has most certainly not been a good day so far.

I am sure it is quite obvious by now that I don’t love my job. I have been called for the second interview for a job that I wanted badly. I was almost offered the job but was offered such a horrible package that I had to refuse (WHY ME???). Heartbroken, I came back to work and honked my horn like crazy all the way because of every motorcyclist in this blasted city had decided to drive in the first lane this particular afternoon. I came back and asked for tea and was given a lukewarm tea. Lukewarm tea!!!!! What can be worse than that??? Well a milky lukewarm tea.

To cheer myself, I though I should check my email (all you people who know me should have written to me, but none of you did) and guess what I found. An email from Liberty Books announcing new arrivals! Among other books, there was Twice as Good, Condi’s biography, but I had decided that being a patriotic Pakistani, I would not read that because she bitched about our lame duck PM Short-cut Aziz (yes, he IS lame duck. Imran Khan is working hard to get (s)elected for the next term). At the end of the list, I saw three titles, first was ‘Keeping the Love You Find: Single person’s Guide to Achieving Lasting Love’ which tells you that your dream of finding a partner is a natural and normal human instinct and your dream is perfectly achievable. Whatever your history, whatever your heartbreak, as a single person just read this magic book and wild passionate love awaits you at the corner (yeah right).

The second one was ‘Getting the Love You Want: a Guide for Couples’ which claims to have helped thousands of couples attain more loving, supportive and deeply satisfying relationships. Read the first book to find the love and read the second one to keep it (what would have happened to the global social fabric if it were not for these two books).

If you thought the first two titles were … well cheesy (and I am using this word for the want of a cheesier word), the third one takes the cake, the pastry and the pudding. It’s called ‘Fertility Foods: Optimize Ovulation and Conception through Food Choices’. What a great trilogy it is; you find love, you keep love and if you cannot conceive after finding and keeping that love, here is the guide to food that help you double the ovulation or put an added zing to your little runners (depending on your gender of course) and significantly improve your fertility and reduces the chance of miscarriage.

What the world is coming to? One can’t even check emails without getting reminders that one has not ‘found’ love, hence cannot ‘keep’ that unfound love and the fact that if you don’t do that soon enough you may need to take help from Dr Mumbo Jumbo’s fertility food to optimize ovulation! I want outta this world, and I want it soon.

Am I wrong, or is it not halal enough to want to die?