Tagged with " Humour"
May 5, 2008 - quirky    2 Comments

The C O N V E R S A T I O N

I recently went to a get together and met with a few new people. As a rule, I usually take sometime warming up to people, if I do warm up to them at all. Until then, I try and smile my way around most conversations. Anyways, I recently met this guy and had the weirdest conversation ever for two  people who have met like 5 minutes back. It went something like this:

Me: Some banal pleasantries.
Him: Some even more banal pleasantries.
Me: Some wacky bits about me (like how death always chase me, it has happened quite a few times in the past four years)
Him: Suitably impressed at how I always chase the death away.

– –

Some bizarre lull in the conversation

– –

Me: So… do you get asked out by girls a lot?
Him: I beg your pardon.
Me: I am assuming you are single, right?
Him: Yes, that I am, but why would you ask that.
Me: Well, you have disgustingly gorgeous teeth. Have you ever worn braces or any other dental beauty enhancing aids or is it your genes that give you such beautiful teeth?
Him: What?
Me: Or may be dental veneers or any such thing?
Him: You know what, you are a nutter?
Me: (I just smiled; I don’t know how one politely responds to ‘you are a nutter’. )
Him: (He gave me a seriously strange look and then relented) No, I have not had any dental treatment ever. I still have all my original teeth and they have been with me for the past 30 odd years and I hope they stay with me for the foreseeable future.
Me: (I smile like some more).
Him: But why would you ask that?
Me: Oh I just thought that your naturally gorgeous teeth make you a perfect father material.
Him: WHAT?????
Me: Well, I have a theory. Men with good teeth generally attract more women. Procreating with men with good teeth is not only pleasant but also financially sound. Suppose you have two kids who inherit your genes and have flawless teeth, you end up saving at least a couple of hundred thousand rupees on dental braces.
Him: That’s some odd reason for picking up a man.
Me: But you can’t deny that it is a very valid reason, dentists are expensive as hell.
Him: (Now gives me a really odd look which says, I am ready to sprint if attacked) Its like a man picking up a woman for having good child bearing hips because it may save him a couple of hundred thousand rupees on fertility treatments.
Me: For a single man, you sure do know much about fertility costs.
Him: Of course I don’t. It was mere speculation.
Me: Aha (A knowing smile.)
Him: What? Why are you smiling?
Me: Why am I smiling? Because it is the polite thing to do and I generally have quite a genial disposition.
Him: Anyways, like I said earlier, how would you feel if men chose women for their child bearing hips?
Me: Oh come on, most men in Pakistan do not choose their partners; it’s their mummies who do it for them. And those who do chose their partners do have a good look at their hips, among other things.
Him: Among other things? What other things?
Me: Well, other things are the length of her hair, the whiteness of her complexion, the socio-economic status of her father and some people are also hung up on number of siblings their future spouse has.
Him: (Gives me another look and says) you know, you are a piece of work.
Me: If you mean that I am undiplomatic then yes, I am. 
Him: Wow, and modest too.
Me: You know, it is really strange. I just said that you have wonderful teeth and you flew off the handle. I am assuming that you thought it was inappropriate that I made a personal comment. But have you noticed that you have made several comments about me since then; I am a nutter and a piece of work, immodest and what not. Boy, are you judgmental or what?
Him: Excuse me; I think I need a cigarette to deal with it all.
Me: By all means.

He then went off and grilled the hostess about me. I looked around and smiled some more.

PS: When I narrated this story to a friend, she refused to believe it. In her words, “it is too unreal, even for you.” So I request that anyone who thinks it is unreal, please leave a comment. I would be much obliged.

PPS: Just had a telephone call from the friend who hosted the get together. ‘Him’ was asking for my number. Did he think I was flirting with him? I sure as hell was not flirting with him? If I had been really flirting with him, he would not have gone for that ciggie for sure. As a rule, I don’t flirt with people who are slow and he was seriously obtuse, was he not?


Apr 21, 2008 - quirky    No Comments

Sacred stripping

According to this news item, a Russian priest was left cursing after he was tricked into giving a sacred blessing to a strip bar.

Father Nickolai blessed the Studio 74 strip club in the city of Chelyabinsk after he was told it was a ballet school.

The Orthodox priest claims he had no idea it was a strip club and that he had been tricked by the owners – who told him it was a hall for training ballet dancers.

Studio 74 spokeswoman Anna Usmanova said: “Ever since we had this sacred act performed on our premises customers say they have experienced an entirely new atmosphere here and more people are coming in. The blessing seems to be working.”

Moral of story: Stripping is a spiritual experience, and if the priest blesses your joint, you get more business.

Apr 18, 2008 - quirky    No Comments

Mush: a babe magnet

Oh God, I actually feel sorry for President Musharraf, bechara. He looks so helpless in the hands of these stupid women. Have they lost it, totally?

Apr 17, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Sarkari have hots

When Vaneeza Ahmed declared President Pervez Musharraf as the hottest man in Pakistan back in 2004 (in Herald’s Annual issue), Mush, indeed was a hot property, riding the popular wave, with no opposition to speak of. But I was shocked out of my skin (metaphorically of course) when I read that, because I thought Vinnie would have a better taste in men than falling for an aging generalissimo. I personally abhor all men who dye their hair. Men with mile wide eye bags and loose hanging jowls don’t gel well with jet black hair (And Mush keep changing his hair colour, at times it is cherry blossom black, at times it is mahogany brown and at times rusty brown!) So I really cant get the fascination most women HAD with Mush (a huge majority of them is Indian), a lot of auntis still have for Imran Khan and Shobha De has for Asif Zardari. They all wear khizab (hair dye for the uninitiated) unabashedly (Imran Khan is one step ahead and wears artificial hair as well) and hardly say anything remotely intelligent, if ever.

You can imagine how big a shock it must have been for me when one Pakistani beauty pageants winner said that apna Mush is a “hunk”.

According to news reports, reigning Miss Pakistan World Mahleej Sarkari found time last week to write a post on Musharraf on the pageant’s website.

“A little note to the people of Pakistan. Going to international pageants we have found out how much Musharraf is known to all beautiful young girls, the beauty queens. Some have replied, ‘Oh yes, the general man (sic)’. While others have said ‘the man who rules Pakistan‘,” wrote Sarkari.

Sarkari said she would love to date Musharraf if he asked her out. “Yes, any time…I like him a lot…,” she told a news portal.

Sarkari also said she thought “Mrs Musharraf would nod her head in agreement that her husband is an icon no matter what happens”.

Sonia Ahmed, founder of the Miss Pakistan World pageant, too is a huge Musharraf fan. On the pageant’s website, there are several shots of beauty queens holding up Musharraf’s picture, blowing kisses and saying, “We love you Mushy”.

“Well, I am a huge fan of President Musharraf and so are my Miss and Mrs Pakistans and I don’t know why but we all look up to him as a man who gave freedom to the entertainment industry and media.

“There is no PPP or Nawaz that gave that freedom, however they are all claiming that they are ‘oh so moderate!'” Ahmed said in a statement.

Pakistanis have been winning quite a few pageants internationally. A Pakistani girl was declared runner-up for the Miss Disco Queen contest earlier this month.

Sarkari represented Pakistan in the Miss Tourism Queen International contest earlier this month in China.

While most contestants taking part in such pageants are non-resident Pakistanis, a few residents are flying out of the country to make a mark at these events.

Sarkari, a Baloch, was raised in Karachi and has been in Toronto for the past six years. She had gone to Canada to study but stayed on and now runs a spa business there.

“We are showing people that young women from Pakistan deserve a voice and can do great things when given the chance. On an international level, we have far surpassed our goals bringing home six international titles within the past five years,” Ahmed said.

When reminded that Musharraf was not exactly popular in her home province of Balochistan, she said, “I don’t care…that’s politics.”

Sarkari bibi may not care much for politics, but Pakistani awam cant think anything beyond that, all the major newspapers’ headline this morning was Prime Minister’s comment on impeachment of the president. As far as Sarkari is concerned, I feel sorry for her. Not only she had to live her life with a name like sarkari, she had to fall for a man who is not only old enough to be her dad but who has a really bad hair stylist who cannot stick to one hair colour. A friend very correctly commented on Sarkari’s dilemma, “Once your parents have named you Sarakari, they have pretty much mapped out your dating future.”

Apr 16, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Black people are from down south

A friend’s blog detailed bushism of the week which reminded me another incident that happened with an Indian friend of mine in USA a long time back.

She was an undergrad student in an AmericanUniversity and was sitting and chatting with her Nigerian friend when two American white male students joined them and asked them about their respective countries. My friends told them about her Indian heritage and the Nigerian guy told them about his country. The American boys then asked my friend where is India and when she told them that it is in Asia, they refused to believe her as they thought that only oriental looking people (Chinese, Japanese, Mongolians etc) are Asian. After watching this display of ignorance, the Nigerian told them that his country is in Africa and then gingerly asked them if they know where Africa is?

One of the American boys said, “oh yes, we know where black people come from, they come from down south.”

“Down South,” the Nigerian guy wondered where this ‘down south’ is.

Oh we know, all the black people come from down south, Mississippi and Louisiana to be precise.

I think they truly represented the people who have voted for Mr. Bush, twice. Idiocracy is here and now.

Apr 15, 2008 - Shoaib Akhtar    No Comments

All about restoration

This Friday Times cartoon best capture the restoration hysteria that has engulfed our country.
First it was about restoring the judiciary, then the politicians ask for restoration of Lal Masjid Khateeb (yeah, the same cleric who ran away in a black Burqa) and now some of them (read PM Gilani, Senator Enver Baig and MNA Hanif Abbasi) want to restore Shoaib Akhtar!

And I call for the restoration of Sanity!

PS: you can see the cartoon in original size if you click on the photo.

Apr 14, 2008 - published work    No Comments

Sunday, fun day

First published in Dawn

Sunday Bazaar is the place where one comes across all kinds of people. The Afghani vendor selling huge shopping bags, insisting on speaking in English — his standard words would be something like: “very good shopping bags, only Rs10 for you, very strong, very beautiful, thank you, goodbye, have a nice day…” No matter how hard one tries, the vendor will not utter a word in Urdu.

A young mother pushing a stroller alongside a bored-looking toddler and an equally disinterested husband who is not too happy about spending Sunday morning browsing for tees, old magazines and groceries.

The begum sahiba whose driver will block the road bang in the middle so that the begum sahiba will not have to take one extra step.

The other begum sahiba type will be haggling over the price of a pair of second-hand Dorothy Perkins sandals, even though she drove to Sunday Bazaar in her Rs 8 million four-wheel-drive vehicle.

I must confess that I am not a Sunday Bazaar regular. The other day I just wanted to buy Samuel Butler’s The way of all flesh. I did look for it in a couple of bookshops that I frequently go to, but when I couldn’t find it there, I decided to try my luck at the Sunday Bazaar bookstalls, which are said to house treasures at times. Although I couldn’t find anything by Mr Butler — the bookseller insisted on calling him Samuel Butter and kept pushing Mills & Boon my way saying, “baby, larkiyan tau aaj kal yehi ley raheen hain (I was secretly flattered that he thought I was a teenager looking for M&Bs). I most certainly did come across a couple of treasures, but not the bookish kind. I saw this woman sweeping in the bookstall I was browsing at, greeting all the booksellers with a regal air, asking them how they were doing. The booksellers were also waiting on her – hand and foot – and fetched her all the books she asked for. I was impressed by the way she commanded attention and asked one of the vendors if she was a literary aficionado. He told me that the lady had recently built a huge mansion with a room designated as library. She comes  in every Sunday and buys whatever hard cover books available in mint condition  – even if they happen to be in French – to fill in her mahogany shelves. After all, it would be an insult to fill up mahogany shelves with cheap paperbacks.

Recovering from the shock and clutching my copy of a moth-eaten Down and Out in Paris and London I ventured a little further and met another kind that I never expected to see at Sunday Bazaar: the rich who do their business in the middle of second-hand shoe stalls. While I was trying to jostle my way ahead, I saw a really cute guy and I said to myself, “At last, some eye candy!” He was talking to a very pretty girl, and when I heard what they were talking about, such was my shock that I stopped in my tracks. Apparently the guy was managing an investment portfolio for that girl and she had invested Rs10 million with him. She was toying with the idea of investing another Rs5 million and the man insisted that she do that with him — right in the middle of Sunday Bazaar — with dirt pathways and flies all around us. The girl did not look too eager, but the guy, with his charm and good looks must have persuaded her to invest the aforementioned Rs5 million. Despite being curious, decency prevailed and I stopped eavesdropping and moved on.

This business conversation amidst haggling aunties and vendors got me thinking: who needs posh clubs, fancy restaurants and sprawling golf clubs to conduct business when you can do it round the dusty stalls of Sunday Bazaar? Just take your client for a bit of aloo gobi shopping and wrap deals worth millions.

I think the idea has some merit, but can only work when one happens to be as good looking as that guy and the client has to be a single, unattached receptive female. The rest of us mere mortals will have to conduct business in a posh restaurant or a golf course.

On a side note, I thanked God that they were carrying that conversation in English, had they been talking in Urdu; the girls must have been kidnapped for ransom by now.

Apr 10, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Spreading the F – word

No seriously, a foul-mouthed parrot, who once told a vicar to f*** off, has been teaching other birds how to swear.

According to this news item Barney the macaw has refused to clean up his act despite being taken to a language specialist.

His most shocking outburst was when he told a mayoress, a vicar and two police officers to ‘f*** off’ and called them ‘w******’ when they visited Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary in Nuneaton.

And the seven-year-old macaw has now been spreading his obscene vocabulary to two other parrots, Sam and Charlie, at the centre.

Owner Geoff Grewcock said: ‘It sounds like a builders’ yard sometimes when we come in here, what with all the abuse flying about.

“They just sit there swearing at each other now, all kind of foul language – it’s unbelievable.”

He said the terrible trio’s favourite rude words were ‘f*** off’, ‘b*****ks’ and ‘t**s’.

Mr Grewcock added: “These birds can live until they are 70 so there are potentially another 60 years of this to contend with.”

Parrot expert Rob Harvey said birds usually talk to get the attention of their owners.

I gotta say this; the parrots chose their words extremely carefully and use them in front of the right audience such as policemen, mayors and vicars. Looks like parrots have better powers of discernment than human beings.

Apr 1, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Blogging my life away

I just noticed, I wrote 31 blog entries in the last month, that’s an average of one entry a day and that’s bad – real bad. You see, my blog is my little corner of cyber space where I can rant to my heart’s desire. The more pissed/frustrated/angry I am at things, the more I rant and write. Hence, the numbers of entries are proportional to my mental well being.

One a more serious note, I need to get a life.

I was sent an email which said that department of immigration, Canada actually have a professional categories for strippers who wants to migrate to Canada to work as stripper. The only exception they make is that you need to submit, among other more regular stuff, a nude photo so that the immigration officials would know that you are not a 300 pound 5 feet tall little ball and will find work as a stripper in Canada. Wow!

No, it is not an April’s fool joke. You can go and check it at the immigration profession code website.

Mar 28, 2008 - Uncategorized    1 Comment

Trivia travails

I have been fascinated with trivia and general facts since I was a little girl. I always wanted to know things like the exact duration of a blink, which by the way, approximately lasts 0.3 seconds. I would try to read volumes of encyclopedia, much to my mother chagrin, who wanted me to spend every waking moment with my text books. My mother actually thought that cramming my brain with useless (in her opinion) information would not leave much room for trigonometry theorems and English literature. What she did not know that knowing that a chameleon’s tongue is twice as long as its body or that milk of a hippopotamus is bright pink would make it so much easier for me to understand the Pythagoras theorems.

some of the trivia facts that always draw a wide eyed response are:

The space between your eye brows is called glabellas.

A fetus acquire finger prints at the age of three months.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

In Japan, 20% of all publications sold are comics.

57% of British school kids think that Germany is the most boring country in Europe ( i know Germans are not fascinated by this one).

Issac Newton invented the cat flap.

and my personal favourite is …

If you keep your eyes open by force during a sneeze, they may pop out. It is body’s defence mechanism that we always close our eyes shut while sneezing.