Tagged with " Humour"
Jan 28, 2009 - Uncategorized    174 Comments

Imran Khan & I …

This is the story of a person named Tazeen and a Pakistani celebrity Imran Khan. It tells us how some people grow up and realize things are not what they seem to be and how some other people regress and become abysmally dense.

1992

Tazeen was a super excited kid. She was one of those kids who got the chance to meet one of her heroes Imran Khan. Not only that she met him, she was also awarded a badge (along with a goodies bag with Imran Khan’s autographed poster) which said, ‘Imran’s Tigers’ because Tazeen sold a certain number of raffle tickets and raised the desired amount of funds for the Shaukat Khanum Memorial Trust (a trust founded by Imran Khan for free cancer treatment of poor people). So determined was Tazeen to earn that ‘Imran’s Tigers’ badge that she twisted the arm of her mother’s jeweler (a Memon seth of all the people) and sold him a good 100 raffle tickets. Tazeen was ecstatic when she received her badge and shook hands with Imran Khan. Much to her mother’s chagrin, she plastered Imran Khan’s autographed poster in her room for next two years.

1996

Imran Khan launched a political party. Tazeen was no longer a child and was a bit skeptical about Imran Khan’s political future, but she had faith in the man. After all, Khan was one of those very few Pakistanis who were good at everything they do – be it cricket, philanthropy or fund raising. She thought he would be just as good, if not better, at politics.

2002

Tazeen was barely out of school, a fresh faced journalist working for a newspaper, and was excited about being able to vote for the first time. Just before the elections, she got the chance to attend an event hosted in honor of Mr Imran Khan by some women in media group. Imran Khan spoke at length about the importance of justice and fair play. Tazeen was suitably impressed and asked Mr. Khan about his party’s stance on CEDAW. CEDAW is a UN Convention for Eradication of Discrimination Against Women which was signed by Peoples Party government (During BB’s first stint as PM), but no further legislation was carried out until then at either national or provincial level to modify the laws in accordance with CEDAW(some changes were made in 2006). Mr. Khan first asked his associate what CEDAW was. For a politician who was running an election campaign and was talking exclusively with women journalists, that attitude was not the best way forward. The associate turned out to be just as clueless about CEDAW as Mr. Khan was. When Tazeen explained what CEDAW was and asked Mr. Khan about his policy to redress the discriminatory laws, he refused to acknowledge that there were any discriminatory laws against women in Pakistan. When Tazeen pointed out Hudood Ordinance, he said that Hudood laws are a necessary tool to keep the morality of people in check. Tazeen was highly disturbed and a little sad at the degeneration of her childhood hero.

2004

Tazeen lived in England and was reading for her Master’s degree. Imran Khan got divorced and the news was plastered all over, from respectable newspapers such as Guardian and Times to tabloids such as Sun and Daily Mirror. Everyone had an opinion or two about it, including Tazeen’s Greek & Philippino flatmates. Someone said that Imran Khan mistreated his wife. Tazeen defended Imran Khan’s honor and that of her country and refused to believe that former Mrs. Khan was mistreated by anyone in Pakistan, including her former husband.

2006

Tazeen had all but given up on Imran Khan. A man who once asked Junoon to come up with Ehtesab anthem (a song about accountability of politicians in Pakistan) which took pot shots at BB, Zardari and Nawaz Sharif took political cues from the same Man of Steel (that’s Nawaz Sharif for the uninitiated) and followed an extremely right wing political ideology (I prefer to call idiology).

2007

Tazeen visibly cringed every time Imran Khan appeared on Hamid Mir’s talk show, acting all arrogant and saying, “Hamad, tumhain naheen pata, main batata hoon.” (Hamid, you don’t know anything, let me tell you how it all goes).

2008

Tazeen was invited to present a paper at an International symposium on Democracy. Imran Khan was chairing a session. Although it had nothing to do with the session he was chairing, Imran Khan first regaled everyone with tales of courage & valor of Justice Iftekhar Chaudhry and then about the impeccable justice system of jirga courts operated by tribes across the country. (Jirga is a council of influential and rich men of a certain tribe who settle disputes amongst themselves. Most often, these disputes are settled through cash payments or through marrying off young girls to men of inappropriate age and/or character as compensation for a crime committed by their male relatives).

Tazeen was neither a super excited kid nor a fresh faced journalist who was easily impressed by a celebrity. Tazeen was as much of a cynic as one can be and asked Mr. Khan how could he support independent judiciary and an alternative justice system of jirga courts because, for all intents and purposes, they’re mutually exclusive? Imran Khan apparently mistook Tazeen for Hamid Mir (although she looked nothing like Mr. Hamid Mir, had long hair and never sported a mustache) and said, “Bibi apko kuch naheen pata, main batata hoon.” (bibi, you don’t know anything, let me tell you how it all goes). Tazeen had enough of Imran Khan and his relentless support for jirga. She intercepted and said, “But Khan Sahib, how could you support a system which institutionally excludes women and poor men from the decision making process?” Imran Khan had lost it at that and lashed out at Tazeen. He was red in the face and foamed at the corners of his mouth and said, “Bibi, you stopped me mid sentence, that’s budd tameezi (bad manners) and I don’t talk to bad tameez (ill mannered) people.” He also took a shot at how horribly Tazeen was raised. Tazeen just laughed at that.

2009

Tazeen now thinks Imran Khan is not even a real politician. He is a “Made for TV Politician” who is good at riling other people in political discussion or telling Hamid Mir that is he is a nincompoop and does not know anything. Tazeen believes that Imran Khan would start doing hair implant infomercials in future which would go something like this:

Main pehlay buhat ganja tha jis ki wajah se kaafe pareshan rehta tha, meri biwi bhi mujhe chor ke chalee gayee, phir mujhe kisi ne Azmat Nai se baal lagwanay ka mashwara diya, bas main forun hi Azmat Nai ke paas gaya ……

Moral of the story: For better or for worse, everything changes.

This post has way too many Desi references and people outside Pakistan & India may not even get it. Many apologies for that.

 

Jan 4, 2009 - rant    50 Comments

Updating your life – online

If I were a pop psychologist I would say that the constant status change on facebook/gtalk/similar-social-networking-websites-that-I am-unaware-of is attention seeking behaviour of the worst order. I have no problem with people seeking attention or basking in the glory of self love, but if you change your status five times in a day, especially with open ended and ambiguous sentences like ‘Nishi is still looking …’ to ‘Rizwan is trying hard, really’ then I think a call to local shrink wouldn’t hurt. The more ambiguous the status is; chances are that you get more responses. The more naïve ones in the friend’s list always respond to such cries of help with, ‘Oh Nishi, what is it that you are looking’ to ‘I hope you find what you are looking for’ to best wishes for Rizwan who is trying really hard. Come on folks, what do you know? He might be constipated and trying really hard and updated his status while trying to take crap. Now would you normally go sending best wishes to people who are tying to take crap? No. But on facebook, it is the order of the day.

The funniest thing is, if you do respond honestly to any such status, it can lead to disastrous consequences and can jeopardize your relationship with your acquaintances – for life. Someone I know have recently gotten married and have changed her status very frequently but they were always about how deliriously happy she is now that she is hitched (the word hitched was mentioned in at least 5 of her statuses). After one such nauseating declaration of love and coupledom, I commented with this line: “I hope you are ready for the life long monogamy ahead.” She deleted my comment and went ballistic afterwards, calling me names and what not. She even asked some of her friends to socially boycott me. She wanted me socially boycotted because I warned her about monogamous married life? Facebook can do that people.

There are some facebook statuses that are less of a status and more of a declaration. For instance the politically inclined Muneeb Ahmed thinks the infighting has already begun amongst the Democratic majority or the arty Shamil Shams is of the opinion that Anand Bakhshi was one of the most underrated lyricists of Indian Cinema.

There are some statuses that include another person and can lead to interrogation of the worst order. For instance, this is the status my friend A had before she left for Italy last month: “A can’t wait for Italy! esp. since Tazeen has raised her expectations about the oh so orgasmic species of Italian men.” You can so imagine what must have happened afterwards. Common friends ganged up on me asking me why such delightful details were kept a secret and why only A was privy to that information. The most delightful thing I have experienced in Italy was the Italian Gelato (ice-cream) and I only wished I had such ‘oh so orgasmic’ encounters with Italian men. The interrogation sessions I had after wards would have put the interrogators at Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay) to shame.

Another thing I am absolutely sick of is the honeymoon related status updating. The past three months have been the extended wedding season in Pakistan. A vast majority of Pakistanis goes to Malaysia for honeymoons and I get status updates like A & B or X & Y are honeymooning in Genting or in Langkavi? Honestly, who gives two hoots if you are honeymooning in location A or B.? In any case, if you are busy updating your status on facebook, you obviously are not having the honeymoon you should have. Something is definitely missing.

So far, the most original facebook status I have seen has come from my friend Zoe. It goes something like this: Zoe is gun powder, treason and plot.

Dec 22, 2008 - Uncategorized    35 Comments

Fight flattery with flippancy

My friend B claims that I seriously lack charm and poise when it comes to accepting compliments. I obviously rejected her claim. Not that I get that many compliments (and I am counting ‘balls breaking bitch’ in the category of compliments) but I thought I was taking them enough élan and elegance. These are the flowing examples cited by my friend as sentences dripping in unnecessary sarcasm.

Compliment 1

Tazeen, you write really well.

My response:

Oh I just rant, if you are half as dissatisfied with life as I am, you too would be able to go on like I do.

Compliment 2

You know, you are funny.

My response:

Really, I thought only court jesters were funny.

Compliment 3

You have very beautiful eyes.

My Response:

Huh! And I thought it was Rimmel’s deep black kohl and my expertise with make up.

Compliment 4

God, you are photogenic, the camera loves you:

My response:

Does that mean I look hideous in person?

Compliment 5

You are smart.

My response:

In the sea of mediocrity, even common sense looks like a stroke of genius.

Another friend who studied psychology as a minor back in college jumped in and called it my denial of my talent. Talent!!! You can’t call being photogenic a talent, can you? She also used words like deep rooted fear of acceptance, delayed maturity and lack of emotional intelligence and God knows what else; I did not hear the rest because I had tuned her off after emotional intelligence.

Come on people, batting lashes at the poor sod who tells you your eyes are beautiful is as clichéd as it gets. Am I the only one who thought my responses were smart, flippant and dripping with self effacing humor?

I believe in fighting flattery with flippancy – no?

.

Dec 21, 2008 - Shahrukh Khan    45 Comments

Keeping ’em luscious!!

Those who know me know the ‘lack’ of affection I have for the Shahrukh Khan. I think he should come out of the closet as soon as possible and live happily ever after with Karan Johar, but such fairytale like stuff only happens in fairytales or … in Bollywood musicals. In real life, men have to play at being faithful husbands, but I digress.

Shahrukh Khan is mentioned because two of my North America dwelling friends just saw his latest film. Preeti, the temporary New Yorker, thinks the writer/director should be sued and SRK should be asked to sit at home until he promises to take on age appropriate roles with modicum of intelligence and maturity (I know, Preeti is extremely demanding and asks for the earth, moon, stars and some other planets on the side). Erum, the permanent Toronto dweller, got quite confused in his moustachioed and non moustachioed personas and lack of logic in pursuing the fake character. She was also miffed that the film assumed that women in general, and the one you are married to in particular, are so stupid that they would fall for anything and won’t use their brains – not even when the hubby started posing and dressing as a teenaged colour blind wanna be dancer who is quite obviously confused about his ‘sexual identity’. OK, I admit. Erum did not use that particular term but the homoerotic references SRK has recently made about Amir Khan’s abs made me add that one. I have not seen the film – nor do I intend to – but I just had to add that bit.

The reason I went on this spiel about SRK is that I just had to spread a special news about him. Don’t get me wrong, I have not taken on as his PR person, but I have just learned from reliable sources (through someone who has shot SRK on ad campaigns) that he wears butt pads to keep them … err luscious.

Bollywood is a lot more gender neutral than I thought.

PS: PS: There was never any intention to insult LGBTQ people in this post,but if I come across that way, I apologize. I have nothing against a person’s sexuality; rather my frustration was with someone who can create an impact by coming out, not only in India but across the globe with desi community.

Dec 18, 2008 - romance, women    31 Comments

My knight in shining Corvette

Scottish professors have just confirmed what I have always known; watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life, in my case, it can extinguish the love life before it even begins.

Researchers at the Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory at Heriot Watt University in Scotland have concluded that romantic films ruin romance for real life lovers. Films such as Four Weddings and a Funeral and Notting Hill give people the idea of unrealistic love and huge expectations.

Psychologists at the family and personal relationships laboratory at the university studied 40 top box office hits between 1995 and 2005, and identified common themes which they believed were unrealistic.

The movies included You’ve Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

The university’s Dr Bjarne Holmes said: “Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it.”
“We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people’s minds.”

I have actually known a girl who has watched Love Story 26 times and she took it for granted that her university would be filled with rich good looking replicas of Ryan O’Neal. The only rich and handsome guy in her class was the son of local landlord and he had already run through a wife when she met him.

But not all romantic films are a waste, at least I think that way. Remember About a Boy, that was the only decent Hugh Grant film where his bumbling and fumbling ways were actually charming and despite the ultra corny “You complete me” and ‘You had me at hello”; Jerry Maguire presented a romance as real as it can be in a romantic comedy, complete with first awkward date, confused marriage, trial separation and a not so beautiful kid.

We all know that romcoms are not for real, but we still tend to believe that we might be the lucky ones who will end up with their own fairytals, but not every girl is modern day Cinderella of Pretty Women whose knight came charging in a shinning white Cadillac to rescue her; mere mortals have to work their asses off on a relationship provided they can find somebody half decent.

If I happen to find a knight, I would want him come charging in a shining Corvette.

PS: I think this blog is being over run by Colin Firth images.


0

Nov 22, 2008 - Uncategorized    44 Comments

You are not a girl and still not out of the closet. !!!

I have a gift for conversations. Whether it is small talk, big talk and plain talking, I do them all. I have previously posted the gems of my conversational skills here, here, here, here and here, here is the another conversation that speaks volumes about my social elegance, chic and sophistication.

Location: A lecture Hall in Northern Italy

Characters

Me, not paying attention to the lecture with my ears plugged to my iPod.
The guy sitting next to me.

The guy: So you are listening to music?
Me: (Taking my ear phones off) What?
The guy: You listening to music?
Me: Nah, I am listening to the FIFA stats, mind blowing stuff you know.
The guy raises his eye brow and says: Ah, a girl after my own heart.
Me: Come on, this is no time and place to be cheesy. Its 11.00 am and we are in a lecture hall.

After a couple of minutes

The guy: Can you please share your ear plugs with me and pass on one of the ear plugs, I getting bored outta my mind (It was a yawn inducing lecture in the strangest accent ever)?
Me: (very begrudgingly handing him one of the ear phones) if you really want to (while secretly hoping that he would refuse).
The guy: (took the ear phone) Thanks.

Exactly a minute later

The Guy: (sounded outraged) That’s Cold Play?
Me: Errr yeah!
The Guy: But only girls and fags listen to Cold Play!
Me: Yeah, in case you failed to notice, I AM a girl.
The Guy: Oh believe me, I have noticed and I have noticed plenty.
Me: (giving him the filthiest look I could have mustered) Then I guess you don’t want to listen to it anymore because you are obviously are a girl and still not out of the closet.

.

Nov 19, 2008 - Yousuf Raza Gilani    33 Comments

This letter is ‘very special’ because it is from the sister of PM

For everyone out there who is lamenting the fact that Dubya will soon bid adieu to Whitehouse and Jon Stewart will probably have to find another job, here is some good news on the gallactically stupid front. In Pakistan, we not only have a president who was declared demented by British doctors, but the PM and the rest of the cabinet is just as big a laugh if not bigger. The latest crazy to jump in is not a cabinet member but the “SISTER” of our esteemed prime minister.

It is recently discovered that Mrs Nargis Makhdoom, who is the sister of the PM and wife of the Additional Secretary of National Assembly, has gotten a letter head printed which says …. yeah exactly that – that she is the sister of the PM and wife of some additional secretary dude). Mrs. Makhdoom has gotten a ‘sifarshee’ letter drafted (going by the standard of English, I would say that the person who penned this masterpiece must have also written for Geo TV website) which basically ask the addressee to ‘give the holder of the letter a sympathetic hearing’ as the holder happens to be a ‘very special case’.

First of all, I am impressed with temerity of Mrs Makhdoom that she addressed this letter to an esteemed member of HEC (that’s Higher Education Commission for the uninitiated) and started it with the words “The Barer” which can be very misleading, especially it the ‘barer’ of the letter happens to be a young man and the member of HEC has a preference for strapping young lads.

I wonder how many such ‘very special cases’ she is patronizing? Going by the way she has a pre drafted letter and just changes the name of addressee and the sifarshee (a sifarshee is a person who gets ahead through special favors – one such example is pasted – through finding patrons at the right places and by killing meritocracy), there must have been quite a few ‘very special cases’ forwarded by the sister of the prime minister.

It is at times like this I feel that I have wasted my life studying and accumulating one degree after another and working my neck off, try to excel at what I do and still failing to get ahead in life. I could just live off the spoils of big brother and dear ol’ hubby. That’s what I call a charmed life!

Oh and I never knew that the word ‘anticipation’ was quantifiable.

Image courtesy: Ibrahim M. Khalil.

Oct 15, 2008 - travel    14 Comments

The art of travel (is to keep shut about it afterwards)

For someone who loves traveling, I get seriously annoyed when people try and ram their traveling anecdotes down everyone’s throat.

This is wedding season in Pakistan and one gets to socialize with people from whom one normally stays away. One of the most talked about thing these days at such events are the travel stories (the other favorites are how much money one lost in stock market crash and when will President Zardari get married and to whom).

Recently, a friend’s husband was on and on about Raki this and Raki that (It’s an alcoholic beverage which is extremely popular in Turkey). Needless to say he just came back from Turkey and wanted the whole world to know how absolutely wonderful Raki was, how much he misses it here and how beautiful all Turkish women are. I seriously want him to visit some other country sooner and get something new to obsess over because the way he is on, he may name his soon to be born daughter Raki. Imagine living with a name like that!

Another travel related irritant is people starting every sentence with, “When I was in States/Ireland/Australia/Brazil/Timbuktu/insert your preferred destination blah blah blah.” This line literary becomes a prefix to every god damned sentence. If they think it is charming, let me take this opportunity to tell them that it is not.
There is a serious variety of travelers who are not too happy with their stories of London, New York or Dubai, after all, every Tom, Dick and Harshal has been to these places. They have to come up with more exotic locations to impress everyone around them. The two most popular destinations amongst this group are Machu Pichu and Angkor Wat. I once met a guy who went on and on about Alpaca farming in Peru. At that time, I did not even know what Alpaca (it’s a hairy domestic animal) was so I just kept on nodding my head like a moron, I only found out what an alpaca is when I saw ‘Aliens in America’ – three years later.

Once I met this girl whose every sentence started with words like ‘When I was in Paris’, ‘French food is so….’, ‘we stayed in a Château in … ’, and ‘French Riviera is so fab’. After regaling us with the tales of French sublime and exotica for a couple of hours, she casually asked me if I have traveled to any place recently. I quietly said, “Yes, I have. I just spent two weeks in Uganda and it was all VERY exotic.”

Mercifully that was the end of the tirade.

.

Oct 10, 2008 - Salman Khan    38 Comments

Bollywood, no more !

.

I watched mindless TV for an hour last night and decided that my love affair with Bollywood must come to an end. Like all desi girls, I have indulged shamelessly in the fantasy and escapism that Bollywood has provided me all along, but it is getting a little too close to real life.

Don’t get me wrong, I like art house as much as the next pseudo intellectual, it is the total lack of aesthetics in hiring the appropriate cast that is grating on my nerves. Last night, there was a film on one of the channels with Imran Hashmi in the lead. Why should one watch a balding man who is short, ugly, has a big head over really small shoulders and totally over play his cuteness (which is non existent in my opinion). I couldn’t swallow it so decided to switch to another channel, which showed clips of forthcoming Bollywood attractions. There was a song where a fugly (fugly is fucking ugly for the uninitiated) Ajay Devgan was romancing a super hot girl like Kareena Kapoor. I was quite sad to see that on telly; I mean I see that everyday in real life – smart and beautiful girls with really boring and average looking guys, why cinema does has to imitate life? Kher, I soldiered on and then saw what was the ultimate shocker. Himesh Reshmiya is back, this time with fake flowing locks and that too with a sizzling Urmila Matundkar !!! Listening to him was painful enough but seeing him as a passionate lover boy is downright vomit inducing.

I only watched Bollywood to escape reality. Seeing good looking men with rippling muscles serenading the chiffon clad leading ladies in the foothills of Alps has been the escapism I have been indulging all my life. I turn to Bollywood to see Salman Khan shaking his booty, Arjun Rampal’s deep eyes and tattoos, Aamir Khan’s action and John Abraham abs. I can’t be expected to actually shell out money to see a blonde highlighted Ajay Devgan or a toupee wearing midget Himesh.

Adios Bollywood, I am off to see ‘Burn after Reading’. At least Coen brothers are smart. If they have a John Malkovich in the film, they have balanced it out with Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

.

Sep 27, 2008 - travel    19 Comments

Things we did during Summer School

If I am the immodest type (and I am the immodest type), I would say that my posts on the summer school were a great hit. I have gotten quite a few emails asking me to send them info about any such events in future (needless to say that they are all men and are totally drooling over the pictures of all the gorgeous girls at the summer school).

A friend asked me if I did anything else besides taking pictures of sleepy heads in the class and the informal harems and getting kajal requests from random Italian women. I picked out a few pictures which detail some other activities that I was part of. Here they are:

Among other things, we ate. At least twice a day at Agli Archi (Pronounced aali archi in Italian) and we cribbed about the food most of the time.

At times, all we could pick to eat was Pizza, I think I have had enough Pizza there to last me a decade, if not more.

Some of us crossed borders and went to Slovenia

And then made it back to Italy everyday.

Some of us practiced being sugar daddies. Muhammed does look like an Arab version of P. Diddy. He may not be a music mogul but he is rich, an Arab diplomat. He lives in London and has a huge house, he likes them young and drives a BMW 7 series with diplomatic number plate which gives him the license to park it anywhere and that is huge if you happen to live in a city like London. He is serious sugar daddy material, contact him through me if anyone is interested.

Some of us ate ice creams (Italians are the Masters when in comes to ice creams)

Some of us gossiped (Wherever Rares was, gossip followed) while others (Michael) tried to work.

Some of us made faces.

And some more

We attended mega boring seminars

Some of us sang (I missed that one)

Some of us danced

And the more skilled ones belly danced

Some of us drank and took pride in it.

While it rained cats and dogs in Slovenia, we were shown flags by the boring-guy-who-thought-he-was-funny (I thought I was back in my fourth grade Social studies class).

Quite obviously, we bitched about the boring guy afterwards (It is in this beautiful hall we came up with the distinction between the fine art of bitching, gossiping and general cribbing to the new recruits of the ‘Bitch Club).

One of us posed next to a bridal car, probably because they wanted to ride in one so badly. 

Some of us went to a castle at 3.00 in the morning and somehow managed to raise the alarm. The police came to check out the place, Camelia was worried as none of us had photo ids on us and she thought that the police might want to take us with them. I thought the worst that could happen was that we would end up seeing the insides of an Italian lock up. Ken, on the other hand, was actually looking forward to compare Italian lock ups with the other ones he has been to. Much to my dismay (I need drama in life all the time) the Italian police did nothing and left us in peace.

When we got more inventive, we held “Who has the softest skin competition?” among men. 

Daniel and Alejandro were the only two contestants. There were several judges and it was unanimously decided that Alejandro has the softer skin. Daniel thought it was only because Alejandro shaved last. If any copy writers (you know who you are) decide to use this idea, I want my cut, both in money and glory.

But most of all, we POSED FOR PHOTOGRAPHS.

We all were natural born models, ready to strike a pose and pout to our heart’s desire. All we needed were the words, pictures anyone, and viola, we were READY.

and we looked good doing that 🙂

.

``