Tagged with " Filmi"
Dec 21, 2008 - Shahrukh Khan    45 Comments

Keeping ’em luscious!!

Those who know me know the ‘lack’ of affection I have for the Shahrukh Khan. I think he should come out of the closet as soon as possible and live happily ever after with Karan Johar, but such fairytale like stuff only happens in fairytales or … in Bollywood musicals. In real life, men have to play at being faithful husbands, but I digress.

Shahrukh Khan is mentioned because two of my North America dwelling friends just saw his latest film. Preeti, the temporary New Yorker, thinks the writer/director should be sued and SRK should be asked to sit at home until he promises to take on age appropriate roles with modicum of intelligence and maturity (I know, Preeti is extremely demanding and asks for the earth, moon, stars and some other planets on the side). Erum, the permanent Toronto dweller, got quite confused in his moustachioed and non moustachioed personas and lack of logic in pursuing the fake character. She was also miffed that the film assumed that women in general, and the one you are married to in particular, are so stupid that they would fall for anything and won’t use their brains – not even when the hubby started posing and dressing as a teenaged colour blind wanna be dancer who is quite obviously confused about his ‘sexual identity’. OK, I admit. Erum did not use that particular term but the homoerotic references SRK has recently made about Amir Khan’s abs made me add that one. I have not seen the film – nor do I intend to – but I just had to add that bit.

The reason I went on this spiel about SRK is that I just had to spread a special news about him. Don’t get me wrong, I have not taken on as his PR person, but I have just learned from reliable sources (through someone who has shot SRK on ad campaigns) that he wears butt pads to keep them … err luscious.

Bollywood is a lot more gender neutral than I thought.

PS: PS: There was never any intention to insult LGBTQ people in this post,but if I come across that way, I apologize. I have nothing against a person’s sexuality; rather my frustration was with someone who can create an impact by coming out, not only in India but across the globe with desi community.

Dec 18, 2008 - romance, women    31 Comments

My knight in shining Corvette

Scottish professors have just confirmed what I have always known; watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life, in my case, it can extinguish the love life before it even begins.

Researchers at the Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory at Heriot Watt University in Scotland have concluded that romantic films ruin romance for real life lovers. Films such as Four Weddings and a Funeral and Notting Hill give people the idea of unrealistic love and huge expectations.

Psychologists at the family and personal relationships laboratory at the university studied 40 top box office hits between 1995 and 2005, and identified common themes which they believed were unrealistic.

The movies included You’ve Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

The university’s Dr Bjarne Holmes said: “Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it.”
“We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people’s minds.”

I have actually known a girl who has watched Love Story 26 times and she took it for granted that her university would be filled with rich good looking replicas of Ryan O’Neal. The only rich and handsome guy in her class was the son of local landlord and he had already run through a wife when she met him.

But not all romantic films are a waste, at least I think that way. Remember About a Boy, that was the only decent Hugh Grant film where his bumbling and fumbling ways were actually charming and despite the ultra corny “You complete me” and ‘You had me at hello”; Jerry Maguire presented a romance as real as it can be in a romantic comedy, complete with first awkward date, confused marriage, trial separation and a not so beautiful kid.

We all know that romcoms are not for real, but we still tend to believe that we might be the lucky ones who will end up with their own fairytals, but not every girl is modern day Cinderella of Pretty Women whose knight came charging in a shinning white Cadillac to rescue her; mere mortals have to work their asses off on a relationship provided they can find somebody half decent.

If I happen to find a knight, I would want him come charging in a shining Corvette.

PS: I think this blog is being over run by Colin Firth images.


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Oct 10, 2008 - Salman Khan    38 Comments

Bollywood, no more !

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I watched mindless TV for an hour last night and decided that my love affair with Bollywood must come to an end. Like all desi girls, I have indulged shamelessly in the fantasy and escapism that Bollywood has provided me all along, but it is getting a little too close to real life.

Don’t get me wrong, I like art house as much as the next pseudo intellectual, it is the total lack of aesthetics in hiring the appropriate cast that is grating on my nerves. Last night, there was a film on one of the channels with Imran Hashmi in the lead. Why should one watch a balding man who is short, ugly, has a big head over really small shoulders and totally over play his cuteness (which is non existent in my opinion). I couldn’t swallow it so decided to switch to another channel, which showed clips of forthcoming Bollywood attractions. There was a song where a fugly (fugly is fucking ugly for the uninitiated) Ajay Devgan was romancing a super hot girl like Kareena Kapoor. I was quite sad to see that on telly; I mean I see that everyday in real life – smart and beautiful girls with really boring and average looking guys, why cinema does has to imitate life? Kher, I soldiered on and then saw what was the ultimate shocker. Himesh Reshmiya is back, this time with fake flowing locks and that too with a sizzling Urmila Matundkar !!! Listening to him was painful enough but seeing him as a passionate lover boy is downright vomit inducing.

I only watched Bollywood to escape reality. Seeing good looking men with rippling muscles serenading the chiffon clad leading ladies in the foothills of Alps has been the escapism I have been indulging all my life. I turn to Bollywood to see Salman Khan shaking his booty, Arjun Rampal’s deep eyes and tattoos, Aamir Khan’s action and John Abraham abs. I can’t be expected to actually shell out money to see a blonde highlighted Ajay Devgan or a toupee wearing midget Himesh.

Adios Bollywood, I am off to see ‘Burn after Reading’. At least Coen brothers are smart. If they have a John Malkovich in the film, they have balanced it out with Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

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Aug 29, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Humaree Meera

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This is strictly for Pakistani readers; the rest are most welcome to read but won’t get the joke.

Only Meera can pull off something like this.

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Aug 29, 2008 - Uncategorized    1 Comment

An honest tribute to Lollywood

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This Rajput is WILD!
and this one is stubborn

The variety of cinema produced in Lahore’s film industry is astounding. Last week, the film on display in the same cinema was “Ziddi Rajput”. This week, it is “Vehshee Rajput.” In all probability, the same actor (Shan) has played both versions (Ziddi and Vehshee) of Rajput clan.

Hats off to diversity – or lack of it.

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Jun 20, 2008 - USA    No Comments

When it comes to war…America means business

Those who are not familiar with the politics and economics (not to mention the discomfort) of buying pirated movies would not understand it but last week, when I bought the dvd of a film called “Meet Bill,” the dvd cover actually contained another film, “War Inc.”

I was a little miffed about it but when I started watching it, I kind of enjoyed it. It is a dark political satire which mocks everything from pop starlets to American idol to government agencies to war profiteering to reality tv to the mercenary armies and what not. The story is partly inspired by Naomi Klein’s article “Baghdad Year Zero.”

The film opens in future with Dan Aykroyd playing an ex US vice president (Dick Cheney) who owns a company called Tamerlane which first bombed a country called Turaqistan (A cross between a bombed Afghanistan and Iraq) with its mercenary army and is now planning to rebuild it (does the name Halliburton ring any bells). Dialogues like “Our precision attacks killed only 11 people, had they been carried out by other missiles, the casualty count would have been higher” are crackers. Turaqistan has huge oil reserves and the only person stopping complete capitulation of Turaqistan to Tamerlane is their oil minister. Dan Aykroyd issues order to CIA hit man Brand Hauser (John Cusack who also produced and co wrote the film) to assassinate that oil minister who was named Omar Sharif (I wonder why).

When Hauser arrives in the country of Turaqistan, he finds warfare raging everywhere, except within a protected area known as the EmeraldCity – a clear reference to Baghdad’s Green Zone. Other stuff that was mocked in the film was reality TV – Hauser had to shoot and produce the televised wedding of Middle Eastern pop superstar Yonica Babyyeah (Hilary Duff), embedded journalist who ride on a ride called “Combat-O-Rama” which was a satiric version of a Disney World virtual reality thrill ride allowing journalists to experience battle through “virtual embedding”, Tanks with sponsors’ logos and US soldiers delivering laundry to the CIA assassin’s Humvee, killing a few hundered innocent Turaqistnis in the process.

Let me confess, War Inc. is probably not the greatest war satire ever, but it is a film with a lot of heart and courage and it should be seen because someone had the guts to make a film about it, it must have been a very difficult film to finance.

Jun 10, 2008 - Uncategorized    14 Comments

Lyrics that shake the world

My recent exposure to Punjabi filmi music has left me asking, rather gasping, for more. First I saw this song on one of the numerous tv channels from a Punjabi film called ‘Sooha Jora’, where an actress was gyrating over a rotating bed (manji in Punjabi) with an actor who had an AK47 (Kalashnikov) in his hands and was looking at the gun with a lot more love and affection than the heroine. Poor woman was writhing, twisting, gyrating, spinning and rotating in every possible direction but it was not having much effect on our ‘man of steel’.

The lyric of the song goes something like this (I apologize if I end up massacring Punjabi language, but this is what I could have gathered in just one listening)

maine tainon pani naheen puchiya tay toon dudh lay le

meri long teri manji vich gawach gayee tay

main teri manji vich teen teen ratan labh dee phiran

These lines loosely translate to “I am sorry I did not ask you for water but you can try milk if you want to, my nose pin got lost in your bed and here I am in your bed for the past three days looking for that nose pin.”

The booty that the heroine shook while she was looking for that nose pin in that suggestively ruffled bed in yellow silk lacha can actually shake the universe. If you happen to see such an amazing display of dancing skills, where every part of the body was moving in a different direction, I am sure it will put you off dancing, sex and meat for the rest of your life.

As if this was not enough, I was sent a 35 second audio clip by Summaiyya which goes …

Naya Kalashnikov, nishana daz daz vaj da

Jidon main nachniya yar, tay mujra taan sajda

(New Kalashnikov makes crackling sound

and the mujra will only sparkle if I dance)

I have looked online for the full song but could not find it as I neither know the name of the film or the singer, if anyone happen to have this song or any such gem please share them with me, I was not aware of such poetic treasures that are being produced in Pakistan…

PS: This post does not intend to insult any language or culture, I only want to listen to more such songs, i know, i have a fabulous taste in music.

May 23, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Yeah baby, it is Iron Man

Yesterday, I went to see my dermatologist and he handed me a thelaful of medicines, concoctions and shampoos to make my scalp healthy and my hair shiny. Extremely morose I was after that visit so I decided to go and watch a film. As A and I had been planning to see Iron man for quite a while. Both of us are die hard Robert Downey Jr. fans – we both have a thing for bad boys and flawed characters – so it is but natural that we go together.
As usual, it turned out that apart from an odd pair of parents or two (there was a poor old grand mother who accompanied her grand kids for the film), we were the oldest people over there but that was understandable. Adults, esp. girls don’t go and watch super hero films. When I discussed it further with my sister she said that we always go and watch movies at the PG rated time (we usually take the 6:30 shows). She added that if we try and catch movies later, we may run into people our age, but I digress.
I quite liked Iron man, perhaps because he is the first super hero who is truly global in nature. I mean Superman and Spiderman usually save children from burning buildings of Brooklyn and from drowning in Pacific or Atlantic. Iron Man, on the other hand, flew across half the world to save people in Afghanistan – and that too at super sonic speed. Here is the twenty-first century super hero who, like his vast global business empire, is a do-gooder at international level. I also like him for the fact that he is a super hero who is super confident with women (unlike Superman who could never summon enough courage to tell Lois that Clark and him are the same people) and self assured (not doubtful like Spidey) and a narcissist to boot, who knows how smart he is and not afraid to come out in the open (unlike batman who even hides it from the love of his life) and admits to being the super hero in front of a roomful of journalists. How super cool is that?
Robert Downey Jr. was as dishy as we expected him to be in the film. While A admired his super fit tush, I admired his eyes. When I shared these details with my sister, she lamented the fact that I always had a thing for short men; be is Salman Khan or that couch molesting infamous son of Xenu.

Apr 7, 2008 - Saif Ali Khan    No Comments

Drool fest

At the behest of my numerous friends (you know who you are), I finally managed to find three hours to spare and convinced my colleagues to go and watch “Race” this weekend. Needless to say I was disappointed.
The minute I entered the cinema, the thing that struck me was, “Dude, is this some high school gathering?” The foyer was full of teenage kids, I even asked my colleague D if we were the oldest people over there. She pointed out a few aunties standing in a corner with their daughters. It has happened with me before; I went to see Scary Movie 3 with my roomies back in UK and it turned out that we were the only people in their twenties who were stupid enough to spend 6 pounds for Scary Movie, I quite felt like an idiot. This film has a PG 13 rating in India but no such rating was awarded by our censor board and there were quite a few preteen kids watching the film on their own and with their mothers.
Anyways, the film was quite exhausting. I actually got tired after watching it, too many twists and turns in the plot, car chases, murder attempts and what not. The dress designer was snoring while he designed clothes for the ladies. They all wore similar mini skirts despite being in very different professions (there was a model, an executive assistant to a CEO, and a police wali). Katrina Kaif’s Blue dress in a dance number was a horrendous Las Vegas’ show girl cast off; no wonder Saif Ali Khan refused to take up her offer of ‘touch me, kiss me’.
Akshay Khanna’s hairy chest was a little too much for my sensibilities. It reaffirmed my belief that metro sexuality is the best way to be for men. If women can get hot wax poured over their bodies, so can men. Someone need to tell Bipasha Basu that she cannot stay in the same posture if she wants to be called an actress. All she do is stand with her shoulders pulled back, chest stuck out and tummy sucked, ready to preen. It might work in modeling but acting requires a lot more than that. Oh no, actually it does not. She has been doing it for quite some time and getting away with it. Anil Kapoor’s dialogues were full of crass double entendre and were in really bad taste. His character was based on Ellen DeGeneres’s character in Goodbye Lover. Did I forget to mention the fact that the film was lifted from “Goodbye Lover?” The screen writer/director replaced a more mundane white collar environment of an ad agency with a stud farm (perhaps so that they can show Saif Ali Khan riding horses and a hot & steamy scene in the stables) and bended the gender of the detective (Ellen DeGenress played the role played by Anil Kapoor) but they remain loyal to the story otherwise.
The only redeeming factor – read person – in the film was Saif Ali Khan. What eye candy!!! I am yet to see a desi man looking this good in a suit. Ladies, it’s a total drool fest with Saif, go watch it if you have not already done that. Its totally worth it.
Mar 26, 2008 - Uncategorized    No Comments

Killing me softly

I have had what you call a chick-flick week.
Not only did I watch three Jane Austen films (Emma, Northanger Abbey and Persuasion) in a row (ok, I am demented, I get it), I also watched Jane Austen Book Club, a book about five Californian women and a man who form a book club to discuss the works of the celebrated writer but also had the ulterior motive of improving their love lives after taking cue from Ms. Austen.

But the chick flick which I am certain would be soon made into a Bollywood musical is not any of the above mentioned films. The film that is sure to see a hindi remake is Katherine Heigl, James Marsden starrer 27 Dresses. Heigl plays a selfless woman who helps out her girl friends by being their bridesmaid – a horrendous 27 times. In addition she plays adoring PA to her hotshot boss who’s blissfully oblivious to his employee’s infatuation. Her beautiful sister comes along and gets engaged to the boss and then enters Marsden, a cynical wedding reporter (is that an oxymoron or is that an oxymoron?) who wanted to do a feature on a woman who is always, always, always the bridesmaid but ends up falling for our heroine and they all live happily ever after.

It has become a standard practice of late that every successful romantic comedy (or the not so successful romcoms) soon sees its Hindi version. The most recent was Partner which was very loud, crass, yet yawn inducing copy of Will Smith’s Hitch. So cheeky have they become that they call lifting every scene frame for frame, mere inspiration! Some are so shameless that they even copy the name of the film (Mere Yaar Ki Shadi Hai was a bad remake of My Best Friend’s wedding).
So be ready to see Rani Mukerji or some other actress like her (can’t have a glamazon in that role) reprising the role of Hiegl as the self sacrificing shareef heroine silently in love with her smooth and suave boss (probably John Abraham – seriously, cant think of anyone else who fits the bill of good looking yet vacant and single dimensional). Enters the glamorous young sister (could be any of the former models or pageant winners) who makes the suave boss fall for her. Now, who is going to save our heroine from the cold clutches of impending spinsterhood; a cheeky but extremely good looking Saif Ali Khan who wins her heart and make her realise that there is more to men than just being ridiculously rich and good looking; they have to be smart and witty along with being ridiculously good looking. They hold hands and walk into the sunset … or whatever.
Shit, I actually wrote the plot of a bollywood masala musical. I seriously need to get a life and do something other than watching escapist cinema. It is killing me softly; before I know it, I would be dead, at least intellectually.
Any suggestions people???
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