I recently went to a get together and met with a few new people. As a rule, I usually take sometime warming up to people, if I do warm up to them at all. Until then, I try and smile my way around most conversations. Anyways, I recently met this guy and had the weirdest conversation ever for two people who have met like 5 minutes back. It went something like this:
Me: Some banal pleasantries.
Him: Some even more banal pleasantries.
Me: Some wacky bits about me (like how death always chase me, it has happened quite a few times in the past four years)
Him: Suitably impressed at how I always chase the death away.
Some bizarre lull in the conversation
Me: So… do you get asked out by girls a lot?
Him: I beg your pardon.
Me: I am assuming you are single, right?
Him: Yes, that I am, but why would you ask that.
Me: Well, you have disgustingly gorgeous teeth. Have you ever worn braces or any other dental beauty enhancing aids or is it your genes that give you such beautiful teeth?
Me: Or may be dental veneers or any such thing?
Him: You know what, you are a nutter?
Me: (I just smiled; I don’t know how one politely responds to ‘you are a nutter’. )
Him: (He gave me a seriously strange look and then relented) No, I have not had any dental treatment ever. I still have all my original teeth and they have been with me for the past 30 odd years and I hope they stay with me for the foreseeable future.
Me: (I smile like some more).
Him: But why would you ask that?
Me: Oh I just thought that your naturally gorgeous teeth make you a perfect father material.
Me: Well, I have a theory. Men with good teeth generally attract more women. Procreating with men with good teeth is not only pleasant but also financially sound. Suppose you have two kids who inherit your genes and have flawless teeth, you end up saving at least a couple of hundred thousand rupees on dental braces.
Him: That’s some odd reason for picking up a man.
Me: But you can’t deny that it is a very valid reason, dentists are expensive as hell.
Him: (Now gives me a really odd look which says, I am ready to sprint if attacked) Its like a man picking up a woman for having good child bearing hips because it may save him a couple of hundred thousand rupees on fertility treatments.
Me: For a single man, you sure do know much about fertility costs.
Him: Of course I don’t. It was mere speculation.
Me: Aha (A knowing smile.)
Him: What? Why are you smiling?
Me: Why am I smiling? Because it is the polite thing to do and I generally have quite a genial disposition.
Him: Anyways, like I said earlier, how would you feel if men chose women for their child bearing hips?
Me: Oh come on, most men in Pakistan do not choose their partners; it’s their mummies who do it for them. And those who do chose their partners do have a good look at their hips, among other things.
Him: Among other things? What other things?
Me: Well, other things are the length of her hair, the whiteness of her complexion, the socio-economic status of her father and some people are also hung up on number of siblings their future spouse has.
Him: (Gives me another look and says) you know, you are a piece of work.
Me: If you mean that I am undiplomatic then yes, I am.
Him: Wow, and modest too.
Me: You know, it is really strange. I just said that you have wonderful teeth and you flew off the handle. I am assuming that you thought it was inappropriate that I made a personal comment. But have you noticed that you have made several comments about me since then; I am a nutter and a piece of work, immodest and what not. Boy, are you judgmental or what?
Him: Excuse me; I think I need a cigarette to deal with it all.
He then went off and grilled the hostess about me. I looked around and smiled some more.
PS: When I narrated this story to a friend, she refused to believe it. In her words, “it is too unreal, even for you.” So I request that anyone who thinks it is unreal, please leave a comment. I would be much obliged.
PPS: Just had a telephone call from the friend who hosted the get together. ‘Him’ was asking for my number. Did he think I was flirting with him? I sure as hell was not flirting with him? If I had been really flirting with him, he would not have gone for that ciggie for sure. As a rule, I don’t flirt with people who are slow and he was seriously obtuse, was he not?