Browsing "Shoaib Malik"
Sep 24, 2012 - Shahid Afridi, Shoaib Malik    4 Comments

Shoaib Malik is one lucky dude!

Shoaib Malik is one lucky guy, he gets to go home to Sania Mirza and this is what he does at work.
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The locked stare!
Shahid Afridi, indeed is the most popular man crush icon of Pakistan.

Photo courtesy Express Tribune

Apr 7, 2010 - Sania Mirza, Shoaib Malik    94 Comments

An open letter to Ayesha Siddiqui

Dear Ayesha,
First of all, let me congratulate on you on your impending divorce. People usually commiserate at an event like this one but I know you have fought long and hard for it and you totally deserve all the accolades for having won this battle, as the kids on internet forums say; EPIC!
You are a miracle worker. You have mastered the art of doing impossible things and that too effortlessly. Let me tell you why I believe that you are the smartest Indian woman ever.
First of all, what started off as a blitzkrieg news session on romance of Shoaib Malik & Sania Mirza soon turned into the saga of Shoaib Malik and Ayesha Siddiqui. Every PR firm in India and beyond should be queuing outside your doors to sign you up. You have managed to become the most talked about Indian, nay, South Asian in a very short span of time with doing much. All you had to do was produce a doctored photo (even an organization as virtuous as “Times Now” had to put the disclaimer on their website that they cannot prove the authenticity of the photo) and viola – a person as famous as Sania Mirza was relegated to the back and all of a sudden, it was all about you. Did Shoaib marry Ayesha or not? Did they sleep together or not? Have they made a child together or not? Heck, you even managed to drag a fellow Hyderabadi Mohammed Azharuddin into it and he was so scared of you (rightly so) that he claimed not to have known any Siddiqui family ever. After three days of this hoopla, people started asking, who is this Sania Mirza again. Now who else but you could have done THAT?

People thought that only skinny skanks in their twenties with their big hair and flawless skin stand a chance as serious gold diggers but you have proven them wrong. If rumors are to be believed you are at least ten years older than Shoaib, you probably weigh a 100 pounds more than him, you sport nerdy glasses and wear a black burqa and you still manage to snare him to sign the dotted line – twice – first on the marriage contract and then on the divorce papers. I am sure you must have made some decent amount of money (some say its 40 million Indian Rupees) in the process as well. Once again, you have accomplished the impossible. If the matrimonial ads of jeevansathi.com that spring up on every Indian website are to be believed, getting hitched is big shit. You would strike gold if you start a school where you teach girls to get hitched to eligible, preferably rich and famous, men with limited intellectual capacity and raging hormones. With your proven record, mommies and daddies will line outside your door with bags full of cash to get enrollment in your program. Your intelligence will make so many mommies and daddies and their not so comely girls very very happy.
Baji Ayesha, your ‘mahanta’ knows no boundaries. In this awful economy, you have even created business opportunities for some folks. With your allegations and counter allegations, bookies have started betting on the odds of Shoaib and Sania ever making it to the altar. If you manage to delay the wedding, even by one day, you will be making a lot of people happy – and richer – who have actually put faith in your abilities and betted against the wedding.
Your magic does not only work in India, it spreads it bounties across the border as well. You are so good that you have managed to get a totally useless Apa Firdaus Aashiq (our minister for Family Planning) to work, at least for one day. Her ministry is pretty useless (you can tell that by the number of children being born every second in Pakistan without any planning) but even she jumped in and said that she will present Shoaib and Sania Mirza a family planning kit. She can now claim that she has performed her duties as the minister for at least one day in her tenure.
You have also given the opportunity to extremely farigh PML-N workers in Multan to stage a protest against the FIR you lodged against Malik and provided them with a chance to vent their misplaced anger.
Who would have thought that people in India and Pakistan would ever see eye to eye on anything but you have forced “Save Indian Family Foundation”, a men’s rights organization, in supporting a Pakistani man Shoaib Malik. When you filed the case against Shoaib Malik under section 498A of Indian penal code, Save the Indian Family Foundation sprang into action saying that you have misused the domestic violence act and asked that the case be removed against Shoaib as soon as possible. If only you decide to put your magical powers to use for Pakistan – India peace, who knows we may settle water dispute and resolve Kashmir issue. Imagine, millions of children in both the countries who do not go to schools because the governments are busy piling up arms will be able to get education because of that peace and you will end up as the winner of Nobel Peace Prize! You will be right there with the likes of Obama and some other old white dudes. Only you are capable of bringing food and education to millions of South Asian children Ayesha, only you.
You have broken the boundaries of fame that even Ashwariya Rai has not managed to do so. Yesterday, I was surprised to find that my Chinese Uyghur teacher who has lived in Colorado for long and now teaches in Rotterdam and does not know jack about cricket asked me the latest on the Shoaib Malik drama. Between you and Aafia Siddiqui, the name ‘Siddiqui’ is shinning so bright, I see many people taking it up in future for getting famous. Who knows, Mahesh Bhatt may end up making a film titled “There is something about Siddiquis.”
I have two other far more important deadlines to meet but I am so impressed by your brilliance and intellect, I couldn’t wait to appreciate you any longer. You do know that you are a genius.
Baji Ayesha, you rock!!!
From an ardent admirer of your craft.
PS: As per ToI news report, Shoaib had to shell out 150 million Indian rupees in the out of court settlement.
Feb 8, 2008 - Shoaib Malik    5 Comments

A marriage that never happened, or did it?

Will it ever end? Apparently the saga of Shoaib Malik’s marriage/no marriage continues, at least on Nadia Khan Show. While watching Ms. Nadia Khan asking 1001 questions to Shoaib Malik – the poor guy looked as comfortable as a man does before facing the gallows – various facets of the saga came up. Although not all of us (watched the program with colleagues) were convinced by Shoaib’s performance, everyone unanimously agreed that there is something seriously fishy to it.

Just a few minutes ago, I received this email which states CNN IBN claiming that a close friend of the Siddiqui family has claimed that Shoaib did tie the knot with Ayesha, but he was duped into doing so.

Talking to CNN-IBN, Kaleem claimed that when Ayesha met Shoaib online, she had shown him photographs of not herself, but her elder sister Nagma. Nagma even met the cricketer in Dubai pretending to be Ayesha.

Shoaib met the real Ayesha for the first time at a party thrown for the Pakistani cricket team at her home in Hyderabad.

According to Kaleem, far from being bowled over, Shoaib Malik was stumped at being cheated for so many years when he finally met Ayesha and he chose to end the relationship on a harmonious note. Little did he know that three years later, Ayesha would undergo a liposuction and seek a divorce.

Now this got me thinking, who is writing the script of it all? This is more filmi than most films these days. Yes, there were films like this (Truth about cats and dogs where Uma Thurman impersonated Janeane Garofalo for the affections of Ben Chaplin) but this one involves an international sports star – the captain of the bloody cricket team for god’s sake – and a cross border romance gone sore.

Knowing Mahesh Bhatt’s proclivity to all things Pakistani, I predict that he soon will be making a film on this story where he will first ask Shoaib Malik to play himself, Malik obviously cannot act to save his life so he would offer it to the other Shoaib (Shoiab Akhtar) but he is now too fat to play any thing other than heroine ka baap. He would eventually cast his ghar ka bacha Emran Hashmi to play Shoaib Malik. No actress is fat enough to play Ayesha, so whoever would agree to don the fat suit would play her. As for the femme fatale who stole Shoaib’s heart in dubai (the elder sister Nagma masquerading as Ayesha), I say Mahesh Bhatt should ask Katrina Kaif to play that role (She is the current hottie for desi men of all ages). There goes the recipe of a bollywood pot boiler.

On a side note, this story proves three things. Pakistani studs rule, if not at home, then in India. Shoba De recently called Zardari ‘the most eligible bachelor’ (Yuck) Imran Khan ruled the roost in his time as the cricketing stud for the whole of South Asia and a scrawny idiot like Atif Aslam is much loved by Indian teenaged girls . Secondly, whosoever performed liposuction on Ayesha is not good at his/her job (she still looks like she needs to shed a stone or two or may be three). Last but not the least, the name Shoaib is not good for Pakistani cricket. I see PCB changing its rules and including that any cricketer whose first, middle or last name is Shoaib will not play for Pakistan, unless he changes his name, what say?

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