Browsing "Porn"

Why my instagram account sucks?

I was at work when this kid  – at my age all fresh faced recent graduates seem like kids – asks, “Is anybody on Facebook these days?” Before any of us uncool (read old) people could’ve confessed to having an active FB account, he went, “Only women in their fifties are using Facebook, and Twitter is for attention seeking celebrities and bitter politicians; people who matter are on Instagram and snapchat.”

Now I don’t even want to know what snapchat is (okay I know what it is but I never ever want to go there, like ever!) but I do have an Instagram so I reassured myself that I may not yet be a relic from days past. I must confess that I only made an account because my phone was acting weird and every picture I took came out with a bluish hue, and unless I filtered the hell outta all the pictures they looked like they belonged in smurf world. That is how my Instagram account was born. But one look at my follower count and you would know it hasn’t seen much success since its arrival into the world. Even people who are my FB friends do not follow me on Instagram. For a while I was hurt by this cyber neglect from friends but then realized there are reasons why my Instagram sucks:

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No panoramic views with positive gyan

No kidding, but there are people out there who wake up in the morning, take amazing panoramic shots from their windows, perhaps a selfie while contorting their bodies into some yoga asana and spread a positive message about winning the day, capturing the moment or something equally cheesy. I, on the other hand, wake up with just enough time to make myself presentable before I hop on the subway to get to work. I also do not live in a posh building overlooking a lake or an idyllic park. How many photographs can a person take of their backyard? Hence no early morning images to make my fellow Instagrammers hit that follow button.

No brunching with ‘my girls’

I work from 8.00 am to 5.00 pm. It is humanly impossible for me to do brunch. I eat granola bars or random bananas and yogurt on the subway and grab my caffeine of choice on my way to work. Secondly, a lack of ‘my girls’ in Toronto (where I live these days) is a bit of a hindrance in taking glam shots over a meal that didn’t even exist when I was young. My girls with whom I would love to brunch (yes, brunch is so cool, it is practically a verb now) live in places far far away, like Karachi, Lahore, Islamabad, Mumbai, Chennai, London, The Hague, Los Angeles and New York (okay New York is not that far away, I concede).

My office is not cool (neither am I)

Yes, offices in chic post-industrial loft style buildings with brick walls, exposed beams, high ceilings and cute cacti on desks where hipsters and cool people work do exist outside Indie films. I have been to at least three to know it’s true, but I do not work in a place like that. My workplace is a windowless, doorless cubicle and I am a human drone barley existing in that corporate environment. All I can do is post photos of a whiteboard where someone has written something illegible. The most excitement I can do is post a picture of the coffee machine. Plus, I work on an old-fashioned Dell desktop, not the latest gizmo from the Apple stable. In all honestly, even if I had a Macbook Air, I could not post a selfie with a line like “Getting my workaholic on.” I mean, seriously?!

No selfies!

Selfie might have been the word of 2013 and everyone from Kim Kardashain to Barak Obama is taking one – or one thousand – but I have never taken a selfie. Yes, not even a single one. Nor do I plan to start now, unless someone is offering me money to do it. I mean I can only embarrass myself for money, as one should, but so far, no one is biting, so I am living with my ‘no selfie’ rule. When you do not take a selfie every third hour of the day, what are you gonna post on Instagram? Your food?

No exotic meals

For Cybergods, the only meals worth Instagramming are Kale salads and Kiwi cleanse juice, with captions that go: “Rushing to Whole Foods before it closes for the night”. Unfortunately, I do not eat alluring exotic food because I am poor, and pretty food costs a lot of money. I also feel quite out of place at Whole Foods because I am always the only brown person there. No matter how creative I try to be, I know I will never get followers if I post my food that consists of frozen pizza, dal chawal and aloo gosht. I also do not understand why people hashtag their food with #FoodPorn. I mean why?

I do not hashtag my life

#FoodPorn brings us to the fact that I do not hashtag my life. I do not post a selfie with a pout and a million hashtags that go something like #bored #WhatToDoWithMyLife #TwentiesAreFunk #SomebodyGetMeOutOfMyOffice #MissMyBoo among others. I also do not post photos of funky shoes and hashtag them #ShoePorn. I also wonder about the lack of profundity that comes with various hashtags that use the word porn which makes me decidedly uncool, hence not follow worthy.

No famous friends

I have no famous friends. No one will follow me to get glimpses of my life with my cool celeb ‘hangs’. My friends are like me – ordinary folks – who eat non-fancy food, take non-exotic vacations, pick twitter fights with people professing love for Tasleema Nasreen (no substance, just nuisance value) or Jennifer Lawrence (forced adult cutesiness makes me throw up in my mouth) or Paulo Coelho (because sane people do not quote Paulo Coelho). Lack of overtly cutesy friends with no nuisance value and no pop philosophy are just another reason for my shameful number of Instagram followers.

Last but not the least, I am not a millionaire poker player

Yes, there is a guy out there with millions of followers because he is rich, posts photos of guns, really fancy cars and not so fancy women. Sometimes he kills it by posting photos of bundles of $100 bills. As I have no access to fancy cars (I use public transport), guns or scantily clad women, my Instagram account shall remain forever unpopular.

Hmm…I think I can live with that. Hey look, Facebook just revamped its interface again!

 

 

First published in The Friday Times

Photo credit: _minabelle_ and this particular photo

Jun 1, 2011 - Porn, religion, women    93 Comments

The heavenly orgy

This heavenly orgy fantasy ….

…. was brought to you by a maulana near you.

Being a woman, I was never subjected to a Friday sermon (women don’t go to masjids in South Asians countries like Pakistan, India and Bangladesh). I have heard many a tales about the kind of hate mongering, violent and misogynist sermons that do rounds in mosques across the country every Friday, but four days back, a friend emailed me the link of one such discourse with the subject line “WTF speech of the millennium” and then I was inundated with the same link on facebook and my inbox.

This video titled, Jannat ki Hoor (heavenly creatures provided as companions for pious Muslim men – sorry, no hooris for non-Muslim man, no matter how virtuous you are), is an interesting commentary on our society. For starters, the maulana, who goes by the name Mairaj Rabbani and is part of Ahl-e-hadees group, thinks all women are low level dirty whores (his exact words are dirty, filthy, worthless and prostitute) and they are only good for providing men with a few seconds of pleasure. He thinks that good Muslim men should not waste themselves on earthly creatures such as women as all of them are soiled bitches. They should wait to get into heaven where they will get multiple partners who will wear see through clothes and entice and then satisfy their lust like there is no tomorrow. Technically it is wrong as there would be an endless stream of tomorrows in the eternity, but I digress.

This maulana wants to make sure that his congregation “gets” it, so he elaborates in great detail that Muslim men will not only get to kiss and cuddle them, they will actually get to experience hardcore action that goes on and on and on … for forever. When they will be done with one Hoor, another one, even more beautiful and voluptuous than the first one, would come and demand some action. Raise your hand if you too think it is taken from one of the millions of porn movies where hot women go after ugly men and say that want more and more and more! Maulana sahib’s porn fantasies are filled with heavenly playmates with awful taste in men.

Maulana sahib is actually quite smart. He knows that he has captive audience as long as he turns the sermon into a soft porn delight. In a deeply segregated society like Pakistan, such misogynist perversions actually form the basis of inter gender relationships. What we take from this video is: all men are supreme beings, women are filthy and not worth the time, piety is only good to get you laid in the afterlife and repeated use of the word istemal indicates that women will continue to being used as commodities in the paradise. If maulana sahib is ever in the market for a change of employment, he will be the toast of the desi adult film industry.

Jul 22, 2010 - Porn, women    12 Comments

Pakistan, USA and Brazil, ek sath …

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A couple of years back I was in Europe for a few weeks and was with a large group of twenty something people. One of them was an American guy quite smitten with a Pakistani girl. One day, he was just so full of love (it was late in the evening and he has had a few drinks) he just went on and on about the “awesomeness” and “hotness” of Pakistani women and how tremendously besotted he is. Before coming to Europe, he had been to Brazil, another country that is famous for hot women but so love-struck was he about the Pakistani girl that he went on and said that Brazilian girls are not a patch on Pakistani girls (entirely his own opinion, I am sure Brazilian girls are super hot) and how he is coming to Pakistan during next vacations.
 Another Pakistani girl – yes, there was a third Pakistani girl in that group – and I laughed our heads off at the idea and thought up scenarios where this American guy would try to get fresh with random girls at Sea View Karachi or Jinnah Super Market and how would Mullah Fazlullah react to it (Fazlullah was big back in the day).
I have no idea how that love story turned out or if that guy ever visited Pakistan but I was reminded of him when I read that Pakistan is third after USA and Brazil in a survey of countries that view the most porn websites. This is the only time after that when Pakistan, Brazil and USA were mentioned in one sentence.
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May 3, 2010 - Porn    36 Comments

How to "Fatima-Bhutto-ize" a news story



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So one national newspaper published a story on Pakistan’s porn industry and all hell broke loose, at least on twitter. Everyone had an opinion about the article. Some thought it was pure fiction and some thought that the text was politically incorrect. Some called it masala journalism and some said that it is not journalism at all. In short, the report was thoroughly discussed, something that the perhaps both the writer and editor aimed for and achieved.

One commenter on the newspaper did not agree with the article and he said:

I think this article is a fake, as a connoisseur of porn I would have seen some of the porn that they claim to have made. The quality of Pakistani porn does not reflect the kind of technological advancements the writer has mentioned. It is a sad day when a national news paper lies about porn, isn’t anything sacred anymore!
Another commenter had issues with the English of the article. The writer has used the phrase “loud smile” somewhere in the text and she only wanted to ask the writer of this article one thing:
What, sir, is a ‘loud smile’?
The writer has not responded till the last time I checked.



Like every other discussion in the country the debate turned to religion and of course Taliban. There were some puritanical hearts who lamented the fact that while people are obsessed with Talibaan they are ignoring a bigger threat to the sanctity of Pakistani society – porn.


Dishoom on twitter was shocked and awed by the news. According to him, he “religiously googled” about the porn in Pakistan but failed. He searched for “Andheri Raat”, one of the best sellers according to the news report, but even that did not yield desired results. Now he has been appealing to all and sundry to help him find the porn mentioned in that news report. His exact words:

APPEAL: Please tell us where we can find this Pakistani Porn, which is being reported in our national dailies or someone please refer me to this supposed website and blog. Google search has failed me.

Naheed Mustafa thought that the article was in bad taste and said, “Pakistani porn industry sound like high school drama club!” She marveled how the writer can talk about the supposed professionalism of the industry when he quoted one of the actresses that she was raped, sold and eventually ended in porn industry. She also wondered which editor Okayed the report.

The writer was not too happy with people doubting his investigative skills, so he responded with:

Duty of a reporter is always to tell readers what is going on in the society. We raise problems to the point of discussion. It is the job of the authorities to find out where it is going on. We are not bound to disclose exact location of either Taliban or those who are running porn industry….You can find movies mentioned in the article in Rambo Plaza….

Personally, I have no major issues with the story, other than the fact there is no Rambo Plaza in Karachi (I think the writer wanted to mention Rainbow Centre). If the story is correct and the writer did interview some people for it, he should have come up with better fake names, after all, a director named “Tina” can only invite ridicule. I think the writer had seen too many 70s and 80s Bollywood movies where vamp was always named either Mona or Tina and was inspired by it. The writer also got a bit carried away and blurred the line between fact and fiction. One cannot even blame the poor soul for it. If Fatima Bhutto can be praised all over the world for passing pure conjecture as memoirs he thought he could get away with it as well. He is guilty of Fatima Bhutto-izing the story at best.

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