Jul 22, 2011 - religion    29 Comments

Halalness much?

If the marketing gurus trying to make a few gazillion dollars off the religious sentimentality are to be believed, there weren’t any good Muslim a couple of decades back. People used to eat food, deposit and draw money in the banks, eat chips, drink cola, wash their hair and no one’s faith was under consideration for doing all that the regular way.

But that was then. These days, everything you do has got to be shariah compliant or you are toast. Every other bank offers you Halal credit schemes and one of them has the gall to tell you that there is no barakat in interest so all the non shariah compliant bank users will not only be condemned to hellfire and damnation for eternity, they will be also be deprived to barakat in this life.

Shariah is the way to go, so says Burj Bank

Junaid Jamshed has already benefitted handsomely by declaring fatwa that potato chips are Halal (all vegetables, fruits and grains are halal you dummy) and Unilever is now focusing on hijabi babes and their hidden follicle beauty by churning out shampoos for the unexposed scalps. There are halal toothpastes and halal erotica for those who want to indulge in some religiously sanctioned kink.
After offering us all things halal, a California based company is offering us – yes, you heard it right – Halal Wine. You now have to option to drink a glass of Rosé, Merlot and Riesling and celebrate without the fear of intoxication. Errr, forgive me if I am wrong, but isn’t the point of drinking is to let lose a bit and let go?

This advertisement photo of halal wine is kinda non halal, innit?

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  • May the Lord be pleased

  • Way to go! However one can always get it refilled with non Halal drink! Can be a blessing in disguise!

  • Nice post. I’ve been wondering myself on the abuse of the word halal.
    I’ve had arguments with people who buy anything with the ‘halal’ stamp. I’ve even seen biscuits with the word halal on them..

  • Is the oxygen we breathe halal or not? Is oxygen in saudia arabia more halal than oxygen in america or vice versa? Maybe JJ should look into that

  • Halalness fuss much.

  • Halalness fuss much.

  • Great. Now all we need is halal sex.

  • The obvious advantage is not being caught. The Hallal bank is going to become the biggest in the country if not the world because the Barkat is going to reduce the risk of default while barakat would ensure that the returns are super normal. This would make the bank a commercial beacon and prove to the world that Islamic banking is the only banking and then evil liberals (also known as rational people) would be sitting in their rational worlds and be convinced that they are wrong. But it would be too late and the bank would have closed its doors to the undelivered and there shall be nothing but repentance.

  • I know, right? I went to a wedding once (in the US) where all dishes were clearly marked. There was a ‘halal tilapia’ placard.
    Lol, I couldn’t tell if it tasted any different than the haram version of the fish but it could be that stamp that God has placed upon my heart so I can’t distinguish between right and wrong now anyways.
    *sigh* what a Fruitcake of a Religion

  • Halal financing big business around the world. Some of the big EU corporations were the first ones to tap into this opportunity in developed markets like Indonesia and turkey. It was about time this happened in Pakland. And smart entrepreneurs know how to pitch such instruments in such a regressively religious polity.

  • Bonjour Tazeen,

    If I understand this correctly, halal is identical to the “kosher” of the Jews.

    Well, it escapes me how a grown up can can give this serious consideration.

    But this halal wine is interesting because I have always been told one of the particulararies of Muslim religion is not to drink alcoholics except in Paradiese or at least in Heaven.

    Over here, they sell non alcoholic wine and beer. I tried once, it tastes awful, like cake without sugar, cheese without milk or coffee without coffee.

    Cheers to all of you and an excellent glass of glowing red wine.


  • hic! I prefer rishi “sharab nahi hoti” kapoor’s version

  • *points at the Halal Wine ad and laughs wildly*

  • As far as wine goes, I think it changes and/or enhances the taste of food. So that may be what this one could be used for perhaps?

  • I wonder if Tazeen actually knows anything abt Islam

  • @sHady, halal sex is ‘shadi’!!!!!

  • @ The fuss was about whether a particular brand of chips was halal or not.

    Be honest with your writings. Just because you have a problem with one person, his beliefs and his ways doesn’t mean you should mock him by telling an incomplete account.

  • Bravo !

  • @Anon:
    I presume it was my comment that confused you. Since I’m the only one who used the word “fuss” and that too under four words.

    Halalness Fuss Much – in the market!
    The word “Halal” is probably the most cashed in on word in the muslim world. So much so that it has lost its sanctity and has been reduced to a sad marketing joke!

    And.. the only person I’d like to mock right now is someone who posts as anonymous, telling people how to be honest, from within their silly-safe lil cocoon of anonymity. Boo!

  • Halal and Haram is something that cannot be ignored in Islam, if you are mocking that, you are mocking one of the very basic Islamic laws. If something is Haram, it is forbidden, and consuming something forbidden, knowingly, can lead you to eternal damnation, of course, no one but Allah can decide that, I am not judging anyone, just sharing my little knowledge.

    But then again, mocking religion and making fun of Islamic laws and later saying that we bend Islam to our interests is the in thing nowadays.

  • Georg,

    Yes, you are right. The Muslims who go to paradise will get “Sharab-e-tahoor” which literally means Wine for pious/clean people.

  • Marry.

    Amd sanctimonious pricks like you troll random blogs so that they can preach and mock.

  • If expressing my opinion and defending my religion makes me sound like a sanctimonious prick then so be it, I am no one to preach, I don’t find myself capable of that!

    At least I am not mocking religious principles.

  • My two cents (maybe three):
    The board of directors for the bank are saudis/kuwaitis/bahrainis. We’ve given more of our country to these nuts than to our beloved “partner” across the Atlantic. We can so see what middle-eastern version of shariat has gotten us into, and now banking.

    As for sharab-e-tahoor: It will not cause intoxication – just iterating a fact. Whether it would be “wine” in the sense of the word we use in this world? No. Would it be wine at all? I don’t know, perhaps we will know only once we get there (or maybe Stephen Hawking would know … or would he? ) . Arabic language is too vast and cannot be confined to the limitation of English vocabulary and rigid meanings especially when it comes to poetry, mystical writings etc (just like many other languages like farsi, urdu, mandarin etc). A lot is lost in translation even if it is from Arabic to Urdu. Sharab in urdu comes from the arabic word Sharb, which simply means a drink but gets translated to urdu as anything that contains alcohol (intoxicating).

    As for Halal and Haraam: everything is relative – One person’s terrorist is another’s freedom fighter. But then, a lot of halal/haraam is based on basic virtues that keep a society intact, like honesty, truth, helping the needy etc. That should be the focus and the rest will fix itself. Sounds like I’m preaching – guess we all “believe” in something, one way or another. And we tend to talk about it, no matter what.

  • Why bother with the halal wine when you can just use fresh grape juice instead? Ok but seriously theres nothing wrong with halal wine. In fact if its halal, then its not really wine, as it doesn’t contain alcohol. In saudia they sell non alcoholic beer. It tastes like watered down flavorless soda but its still perfectly halal.

  • well you have given me the topic for my article for my Uni Mag.
    and as far as Halal phobia is concerned that following and practicing is religion is a human right we must respect that no matter that religion it is.
    but selling religion is somthing which creates the things pathetic.
    if people want to be “Halal” way than let them be but stop branding the modified version of the same thing as “Halal” as our banking sector do.

  • Ha ha… it’s rather common here as well. One ‘halal’ item which is rather perplexing – toothpaste.

    After that, there suddenly was an interest in ‘vegetarian’ toothpaste!

  • Halal Erotica? Hmm.. sounds like a million bucks! Wonder if somebody could have JJ endorse the product.

  • I just hope that these are really authentic halal products and not just because it is only for advertisement purposes.I have heard of halal items including halal chocolates so I guess it is nice to see that there are companies with pure purposes to provide people the halal items that they could offer.

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