Mar 9, 2010 - rant, sarcasm    39 Comments

Twitter, Imran Khan and Aafia

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Twitter is amazing, not only it brings together people from all across the world, but any two or three people can randomly jump in to a conversation and can have a whale of a time together. If you are lucky, you can annoy other people to hell and have fun at their expense (some may call it trolling, but if you do not tag them, I would not call it that). It all gets funnier if the people you make fun of are Z list celebrities who probably google their names every 15 minutes (or more often).

Another friend on twitter and I have had doubts about a Jemima Khan profile on twitter (that was way before she got the blue tick) and we were not sure if it was a genuine account or not. So in a conversation last night we wondered if it was a fake Jemima Khan account or a genuine one. Apparently she saw that, got pissed and in order to prove that she is the real McCoy she scanned her passport with all the details and put it up on twitter! I mean I know she is a blonde and not particularly bright (she married Imran Khan for heaven’s sake) but who puts up their passport on a public twitter account which is open for all?

As if that was not enough drama, some desi men with fantasies of skinny blonde British women falling for them jumped in acting like knights in shining armor advising Jemima to remove her passport details. She then put up another photo of her passport – minus the details – on twitter (she has later removed them both but a pal from across the border saved that passport photo & emailed it to me). I mean what were those gentlemen thinking, she has had her fill of Desi men, she is not gonna fall for another one. One desi dude in one lifetime was enough, dontcha think?

Anyways, that got me started along with two other tweeters, Naheed and Mirza on all things Jemima and her erstwhile husband. Mirza shared that in another century, Liz Hurley and Imran Khan had dated. The made me recall that in the same century, Liz Hurley and Hugh grant also dated and then Imran Khan got married to Jemima and then Jemima dated Hugh Grant and now perhaps Imran Khan is dating the whole Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan which makes it kinda really kinky circle. Mirza then suggested that maybe it’s time Imran Khan and Hugh Grant should get up close and personal. In any case, Jemima has beaten Mr. Khan when it comes to getting intimate with famous people of the same sex – remember the lip lock between Kate Moss and Jemima (it generates 183,000 links if you google it – in case anyone wanted to know that).

By that time, Jemima Khan got really angry and gave me two names; twalker (that’s twitter stalker) and tweak (twitter freak). Now I am all game for name calling but they have to be smart and inventive. If only Ms Goldsmith had actually spent some time in college in her younger days instead of playing house with an aging Lothario, she would have known that tweak is actually a proper English word found in all major English language dictionaries. Her exact tweet was something like this: “What a relief to discover you can block the tweaks (twitter freaks). I’m banishing dissidents like a despot.” Even the statement was kind of a let down. After writing ‘expert’ articles on democracy in Pakistan in esteemed publications like Vogue and Harper’s, I never expected such naked despotic glee from Ms Goldsmith.

We decided to let go of Ms Goldsmith and stick to her former and far juicier half. Naheed asked us if Imran Khan has remarried and then started listing the names of all the women Imran Khan has ever been with but I suggested that we need to leave that alone. After all, if one starts listing all of Imran Khan’s conquests, 140 characters wouldn’t be able to do him any justice. That man has been very very busy for most of his adult life and he is in now in his late 50s.

As far as Imran’s second round at nuptials is concerned, I have a feeling he will do a complete turnaround. In the past, much to chagrin of all the aunties (who were not really aunties back then) he had almost exclusively dated foreigners. Now, in his new Maseeha-e-Islam avatar, he will only take the plunge when ‘Qaum ki Beti’ Aafia Siddiqui returns. Imagine a wedding invite that says ‘Imran Khan weds Aafia Siddiqui’, would it not be a Jamat-e-Islami and Talibaan wet dream? If Ms Siddiqui agrees to marry Imran Khan, then nothing can stop him from becoming the most powerful man in Pakistan.

Naheed disagreed with me. She believes that Aafia Siddiqui will sell Imran Khan at the juma bazaar for a bucketful of ammonium nitrate, which got me thinking. Ms. Siddiqui is a paak baaz Muslim woman, she will probably not agree to a union with a former play boy who has been with MTV VJs (tauba tauba haram). In any case, if the choice of her last husband, Ammar al-Baluchi, a nephew of the 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and ten years her junior, is any indication of her taste, she is into young Jihadist boy toys, not old Romeos like Imran Khan.

PS: I still have Jemima’s passport shot with me but I chose not to publish it, for obvious reasons.

Clip to Evernote

39 Comments

  • Whohoo for Twitter convos!

  • Yay!! Tez is back (not that you were not never there…) in full form!! Brilliant! Lookout Jemima we have a new Tweak in town! 😀

    -Zoobee

  • LMAO @ ‘…now perhaps Imran Khan is dating the whole Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan which makes it kinda really kinky circle.’

    Last night I was witnessing the whole drama unfolding on twitter and I also checked a photo of her passport details. This means she’s real but yes, dumb too because as you mentioned who on earth would upload such things (just to prove one’s real or not)!

    As usual it was a very nice write-up!

  • .. and Hugh Grant was with Liz Hurley, who is with Arun Nayyar- now those are subcontinental possibilities!!!

    I need an autograph from you, you celebrity you- a tweet war- is that a twar?

  • errrr i usually like your blogs and sense of humor but those were cheap shots….im no fan of jemima, imran or afia but your extremely derogatory personal attacks on them had me wincing…no need to be so mean

  • Thats taking a tweet war out of context, is it not?

    I wonder why all people who have to say negative things do it anonymously. It does not take balls to own an innocuous comment like the last one.

  • Yeah Anon peeps suck! Losers!

    In any case, Tez, I would pay top dollar to see Imran Khan make out with Hugh Grant – or at least making the first move… oh wow!! imagine the sparks n all…

    -Zoobee too once was a loser – now he’s just a poser… ™ (All-Ham-Do-Lillah!)

  • ‘now perhaps Imran Khan is dating the whole Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan which makes it kinda really kinky circle.’Aafia Siddiqui will sell Imran Khan at the juma bazaar for a bucketful of ammonium nitrate ‘LMAO

    I haven’t laughed so hard in a while..What kind of twisted world do they live in? Doing the merry go round in the dating game…Never knew all of this, thank you for enlightening us..

    Seriously though even the most stupid would not put up their passport on a public site, then again she chose to wage a tweet war with you…

    I guess that anon with no balls to write their real name, must have been one of those desis who were Jemima’s knight in tweet world..Nope still can’t have her mate..

    Super guruji…keep it rolling…

  • aur apa samina ka kiya hoga? somehow I think she and Imran will really hit it off together.
    Re: Jemima and unwanted tweaks …why do I have images of her walking through Raja Bazar when I read it?

  • good one but thank god that she didn’t sued u.

  • I thanks Jemima ji for lighting the fuse of Taz.
    Welcome back Taz. Loved it.
    Lalit, India

  • get some more donations for good work he is doing. Islamic dating?
    like libyan president visited italy and invited 200 young ladies to preach Islam. I have wondered why only ladies for islamic preaching?

  • This is well-written (if we ignore the personal attack on Imran Khan and his ex-wife).

    Lacks the zing your other articles have though.

  • always disappointin
    anyways

  • “now perhaps Imran Khan is dating the whole Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan which makes it kinda really kinky circle.’Aafia Siddiqui will sell Imran Khan at the juma bazaar for a bucketful of ammonium nitrate”

    As always U nailed it..;-)

  • Tazeen as always you ROCK.

    U know, I read first few lines of your post and immediately switched to Twitter>Jemima but did not find anything and so came back to read rest of the post and discovered that the snaps been removed…serves me right :):)

    BTW, is it also true that Imran Khan dated Benazir in London during her student days??

    Also soon after Benazir’s death, a mail was circulating here (in India) with at least 10 -15 snaps of an elaborate wedding ceremony of Prez. Zardari. But never really read anything about it media. So what’s the truth? Did you guys see that mail?

  • A well written one. I followed the drama on twitter so enjoyed the post. Now, jemima has removed all her stupid comments.
    she is a perfect rich daddy’s over pampered girl, somewhat psychic too!
    two things bother me, 1. why did she react so madly to an apparent innocent comment of tazeen (that also written to mehmal and smirza and not to her directly). 2. why she wrote such a stupid word tweak when she was teaching us difficult english all these days?

  • “and now perhaps Imran Khan is dating the whole Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan which makes it kinda really kinky circle.”

    oh god tazeen.. hasa hasa ke maro gi!!

    love it!

  • Aneela,

    Apa Samina tau alhmadullilah shadee shuda hain, she supports only polygamy, not polyandry. Its Qaum ki beti for our Pathan Sher. Please accept my match making skills, I spent ages in finding the perfect spouses.

    Anon & badtameez,

    well, cant please everyone, in any case, I only write to please myself. Yes, narcissism is my middle name.

    Friendly Neighbour,

    Nah, Benazeer Bhutto was quite conservative, she never dated Imarn Khan or anyone for that matter. She had an arrange marriage with her husband which eventually turned out to be her undoing.

  • i had no ideas people were being twitchy (jemimaspeak for twitter bitchy) on the subject of allama imran rehmatullah alaih.

    i’ve been missing out on the twun.

  • Hi tazeen, your post made a NDTV news item today in India. Here is the link:
    http://www.ndtv.com/news/world/jemima-posts-passport-details-on-twitter-17546.php
    enjoy,
    Santanu.

  • ha ha ! A copy of her passpost of twitter..that does it :)Im sure you had great fun!!
    You have a nice blog …keep up and happy blogging!!

  • Interesting coverage by NDTV. btw, which MTV VJ did Imran date?

  • thanks a lot Lighthouse,
    It was a Press Trust of India story that got covered in NDTV, Hindustan Times and Asian Age among others.

    Sami,

    Imran dated a German VJ for MTV Europe in early nineties, he name was Sophia something. Jang published their pictures which they probably lifted off Daily mail or something. There was picture of them buying groceries at a store and i remember asking my mom, “why is Imran Khan buying ‘anday double roti’ and getting his pictures taken?” I was not aware of the term paparazzi back then.

  • hey great post…
    u know wot i just read ur ifrst post that was too good, gurl!
    so, i guessed it can be wrong but are u a prof?

  • Hahahahaaa..way tooooo hilarious u r really a tazzmatazz

  • LOL. That sounds like so much fun…

  • Hi Tazeen,

    Checkout this absolutely hilarious video of Zardari on you tube

    He sure is a character and I have to say, being an indian, Indian politicians just do not measure up to the idiosyncrasies of the pakistani politician!!

  • Imran Khan aka Taliban Khan is supporting Taliban in Pakistan and campaigning for a Jew in london and even asking Muslims to vote for him.
    What a Shame.

    http://sirfkarachi.blogspot.com/2010/03/imran-khan-campaigning-for-jew-in-uk.html

  • That was cheap and disgusting.

  • Ha, Ha!

    Twitter is the worst/best thing to happen to celebrities, depends on which side you look at it from!

    Also, Taz, you have WON THE MORNING for coining the term “Jihadist boy toys”. There is a best-selling book/movie somewhere in that phrase!

    Also, to the trolls that think this was “cheap” and “disgusting”, WELCOME TO THE INTERNETS! You’ll hate it here!

  • Bonjour Tazeen,

    Who are Iram Khan, Aafia, Jemima K, Naheed Mirza, Liz Hurley, Grant, McCoy??

    For one or two people I would try to find out at Google but for this lot??

    It might be a good idea to give a very short description of those people. If they are nothing else but celebrities, just say so. That would be sufficient to avoid loosing time.

    Cheerio
    Georg

  • Yes, indeed, “jihadist boy toys” is a delightful term. You should make an entry in urban dictionary to preserve it for posterity.

    And does this whole episode mean you will now be getting access to Kate Moss too? Oh man. Please get me an autograph.

  • A complete nonsense.
    A dogmatic liberal showing she doesn’t have any idea to write about issues

  • I don’t get twitter and the whole concept of over sharing that it involves. but thats my problem i guess.
    🙂

    however i TOTALLY disagree with this part of what you wrote:
    “…and not particularly bright (she married Imran Khan after all)…”

    quite honestly…MANY extremely bright women would have willingly married Imran Khan back in the day. Cant quite remember if he’d entered politics or not yet, but he wasn’t as bad then as he is now.
    and Imran Khan the cricketer and Founder of Shaukat Khanam is still pretty awesome.
    The politician is an idiot.
    😛

    besides that…i’m a fan of this space.

  • Twitter is the new way for celebrities to reveal how complete asses they are 🙂

    But please don’t be too hard on Jemima, Tazeen. I have a soft corner for hot girls who do lip-locks with other hot girls.

  • Hahaha!!! Awesome one!! And after reading your post, I feel like all those dumb things I read about blondes may well be true! 😛
    P.S. Imo, Imran khan can sway a greater crowd of religious fundos if he goes intimate with Maulana Diesel (yes, YUCK!). Tough job, true, but each of them gets something in return, something they cherish 😀

  • My sides are still hurting after reading this. I am surprised you haven’t been lynched yet…:-)

  • Now Warney-bhai is into the mix as well. First he was close to Jemmy, and then moved on to Lizzy. They were essentially forming coalition gorments for certain periods of time – for the upliftment of mankind, I think 😉

    All in the interest of non-profit charity, I tell you. There was a Bingo-man too. So the possibilities for Immy Khan ‘Tsunami’ are endless, and we do hear that the ‘tsunami’ is ‘ready’, no?

    But I have been wondering what made Jemmy keep a maun-vrat – after the recent statement by a very famous niece. Is she (Jemmy) waiting for an appropriate opportunity to kiss and make up (hint: Kate Mossy)

    “If only Ms Goldsmith had actually spent some time in college in her younger days instead of playing house with an aging Lothario, she would have known that tweak is actually a proper English word found in all major English language dictionaries.”

    Umm, being the very charitable offspring of one of 20th century’s most uncharitably notorious corporate raiders why would she have let go of an opportunity to play house with a very non-profitably charitable craggy Lothario? College is so uncharitably unfashionable, no?

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