Jan 1, 2010 - rant    31 Comments

New Year Facebook status updates from hell

As soon as we are done with Christmas, emails, text messages and general announcements regarding the impending end of the year start appearing on social networking sites, wishing no one in particular. 


There are those who want to sound philosophical and super intellectual and they would use words like existentialism and nihilism in their facebook status updates. One such update goes something like this:

This whole New Year business is just another reaffirmation of the inherent nihilism of our existence. Suddenly whats important is the launch of a new set of an arbitrary number of days, at an arbitrary moment in time initially chosen by an arbitrary group of people, an arbitrary number of years ago. Great going mankind.

WTF? Does anyone even bother reading stuff like this after the first line?

Then there are those who want the rest of us to know that they live in cooler places and actually have a life. Their status updates would be something like:

Having the time of my life at Sydney Harbour Bridge, yeayyyy!!!!

Or

Happy new year to you all from snowy NYC!!!

Notice that such messages are followed by multiple exclamation marks, as if living in New York is exclamation worthy or a snowy NYC in December is a sign of wonder. 


There are some who just want to sound enigmatic or contradictory or both and they would write something along the lines of:

Happy New Year. We live in shitty times.


Or

Looking back with gratitude, looking forward with hope.


I find such statuses most annoying. Gratitude for what? Hope for what? The sooner we lose hope and come to terms with the fact that life is gallactically fucked up, the better it is for the sanity of the society in general and for the cyber dwelling facebooking cynics like me in particular.


Apart from the dreamy or intellectual ones, there are some practical types. They don’t wish for world peace — they know it is unattainable — they only want prosperity and opportunity for their loved ones. One such message that I saw last night goes something like:

Happy new year to all my friends and family members. May this year bring us lots of wealth, prosperity and opportunities in our life (Aameen)

And last but not the least is the super cheery ones. They are so happy, they can make you go blind with optimism and turn anyone normal into a homicidal maniac with their glee. Check this one out:

— is wishing everyone an Extremely Happy New Year 2010! May we all lose our belly fat and unsightly pimples, get gorgeous hair and hefty pay-raises and may the wrath of the Almighty fall upon anyone who looks prettier than us in group photographs. Amen! xXx


What is wrong with this person? Why is she so happy over a bloody new year? Did she win a Pulitzer Prize, or an Oscar? Has she spoken with Kurt Cobain’s ghost who told her about a huge stash of heroine that he had hidden back in 1990 and is now worth millions? Did she sign a million dollar book deal? Has she shacked up with Prince William or did she win a fucking lottery? 
We are finally here, in 2010 and we shall be here for another 12 months. Can we get it done and over with New Year messages please?

Update: The number of people ended up on my post looking for best new year facebook status updates is astounding. Facebook apparently rules.

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31 Comments

  • I hear ya!
    I’ve been getting all these cheesy prayers & idiotic ones since last night on my official number. Apparently, half the staff in Dunya TV finds it appropriate to sms every single number on the official list.

  • Reading this post after sending you a New Year tweet is embarrassing me =/
    Lol, not really 😉

  • “This whole New Year business is just another reaffirmation of the inherent nihilism of our existence. Suddenly whats important is the launch of a new set of an arbitrary number of days, at an arbitrary moment in time initially chosen by an arbitrary group of people, an arbitrary number of years ago. Great going mankind.

    WTF? Does anyone even bother reading stuff like this after the first line?”

    Taz, I do understand that your opinion is highly personalized but just a quick enquiry- well yes! how would you catagorize a person who has ACTUALLY bothered to read the second line? 🙂

  • LOL. I suppose it happens, everyone wants to say something and facebook allows that and gives you an audience as well.

  • ahahahahahaha

    the first one.. i just saw it on facebook…

    and then in ur post

    and i dunno why iam laughing so hard

  • I liked the one which says like this:
    “Wish You Peace, Love, Health. Blah Blah Blah..Fcuk that shit…. I wish you Sex, Alcohol, Fun…& I really hope U win the fuckinn Lottery !!! Champagne wishes for the New Year My Friends!”
    Lolz

  • first status you mentioned do has a point.. lol

  • “Happy new year to you all from snowy NYC!!!”

    LIES – I heard there was freezing rain on new year’s eve in NYC.

  • Zainub,

    Yours was an upfront simple wish for which i am grateful. On top of that, you did address me 🙂

    Javeria,

    I would call that person determined.

    Sheikh saab,

    I wouldn’t know, I am here in Karachi

  • Attention seeking/Joblessness/Meaningless Ramble – what makes people come up with such tag lines?

    Wishing each other through various media tools like FaceBook, Twitter, SMS, etc – beats me. Like you rightly said 2010 is going to stay for another 12months before we usher in the next year, just another day. Mankind continues to celebrate the same time and again and when any activity becomes a ritual it loses it’s charm.

    Ah well, at the EOD to each his own!

  • wow nice blog … killr article !!

  • “The sooner we lose hope and come to terms with the fact that life is gallactically fucked up, the better it is for the sanity of the society”

    There’s a status update right there. 🙂

    I would agree with Terra. With fireworks going off in the sky (or on TV screens), and facebook asking people “What’s on your mind?”… it is easy to connect the dots.

  • i thought the last one was really funny!

    you’re seriously over analyzing…chill and a happy new year to you!

  • Do people on your FB read your blog? I can’t wait to see what they think of this post.

  • This one came as “good read” recommendation, and i’m not complaining at all.
    Very succint yet rich in content.

  • Well Tazeen, since you HAVE asked, i was in CHILLY boston on christmas and yes, SNOWY NYC at the turn of the decade. but no, i didnt update my FB status since i couldnt care less.
    i have returned to dubai now, and my fb status thanks god for reuniting me with my car, who i missed most.

    this status update was lovingly brought to you by the hemlock.

  • Ahsan,

    Most people on my FB list are surprisingly normal. Apart from the first intellectual message, the rest came from friends’ lists who were moaning with me about their cheesiness. The guy with the first message was not too happy and he responded with this:

    “So i gather you don’t like bouts of pseudo intellectualism. come on its still better than cheezy wishes or trying to tell everyone where you are or how you are better than the other people celebrating !”

    Trauma,

    I am cynical by design, I tend to over analyze stuff, including FB statuses.

    Hemlock,

    I am so relieved to know that there are other girls out there who are just as attached to their cars as I am.

  • Nadeem.F.Paracha would have set something like:

    By grace of Ziaul Haq I’ll continue to throw up my conspiracy theories in the name of Zaid Hamid in 2010-xxx

  • am beginning to wonder which category my status message is on,… maybe I should hurry up and change it!

  • Geez Tazeen talk abt having a bad hair day…i actually enjoyed the existential one and the super cheery one…guess i should dye my hair blond now 🙁

  • LOL! You can’t fix everything. Freedom of expression, they say.

    Makes up for a good rant though!!!

  • I guess, to accept the diversity in people is simply normal. People are at different stages of their life. There are some that are super weird and deserve bashing but there are others, who are just wishing for good. Whats wrong with that?

    You sound angry at the people who are perhaps sound stupid to you but the fact is, like everybody else who is so hopeless with the world and life, you have not given any alternative either. Bashing for the purpose of bashing is just a waste. I have always enjoyed reading your posts but if you had kept it mostly to the funny side, it would make lot more sense. Anyway, I apologize if I have offended any happy soul.

  • I am pretty tired of the lengthy and pretty boring new year greetings too! Wish people would just leave it to Happy New Year

  • there is one i encoutnered the most. the pseudo intellectual poets. There was one that went like AE NAYE SAAL BATA TU KYA LAAYA HAI… and then there was another one KYOON MANAOON MAIN JASHN NAYE SAAL KA etc.

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  • This is a conspiracy against comrade Samad Khurram whose deeply philosophical status update you have derided in the beginning of the post. He is going to de-facebook you!

  • Having the time of my life in sunny Florida!!!!!!! Actually it’s cloudy and cold and I’m sitting here in my jammies at 11:30 am. I hear what you’re saying!

  • The intellectual guy makes perfect sense to me.

  • Tazeen, first, a belated Happy New Year.

    Second, I am trying to subscribe to your RSS feed so I can be notified on my reader when you update your blog but for some reason your RSS feeds don’t work… 🙁

  • You have started getting very irritating and annoying (at the same time).

  • hahahaha..love love this post.

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