Oct 19, 2009 - sarcasm    27 Comments

Reading ‘The News’ is more painful than a visit to the dentist…

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Reading newspapers in today’s Pakistan is an ordeal. All you get to read is news about bombings, acts of terrorism and gang rapes which is traumatic at best. But what gets you even more nauseous is reporting done in bad taste and almost non existing editing. The News International was never a great newspaper to begin with, but of late, their standards have reached a new low.

Apart from printing bat shit crazy assed & and downright offensive opinion pieces by Dr A. Q. Khan, they have previously published news about Singer Humaira Arshad’s visit to Punjab’s CM House and how a political party will hold a meeting on September 33 – yes you read it right – September 33. The funny thing is that this news item was published back in September but no one bothered to correct it.

Today’s ‘The News’ was no exception. A report published about the launch of Namal Knowledge City by PTI Chief Imran Khan described his house as a citadel (I think it was the new word that particular reporter recently learned). Among other things, reporter was at pains to point out that Imran Khan did not use the word former while talking about his ex wife and how people gossiped about it.

“Imran Khan revealed that his wife had declined to send his children to the function for security reasons. The guests whispered when he did not use the word ‘former’ while referring to his wife.”

While the whole world, his wife and his assorted animals know that the total amount of aid that would come to Pakistan through the now infamous Kerry Lugar Bill is $7.5 billion, The news editors got a bit carried away and decided to replace the decimal between 7 & 5 with a zero making the amount a whopping $705 billion. I just hope that American tax payers are willing to shell out that kind of money.

The bat shit crazy assed QUOTE OF THE DAY came from former CM of NWFP Mohammed Akram Durrani who says that with assistance in form of Kerry Lugar Bill – or KLB as it is affectionately termed by the local media – the United States is trying to start a civil war in Pakistan by the year 2010. What the fuck does he mean by 2010? What are we doing right now? I thought we are already in a war like situation where 30,000 troops are carrying a massive operation in the North West Border region

Following it closely is the other super crazy quote came from former information minister Muhammed Ali Durrani who believes that “the tabling of the controversial National Reconciliation Ordinance (NRO) in parliament was a vicious attempt to divert the attention of the nation from the ‘anti-Pakistan’ Kerry-Lugar Bill (KLB) and this attempt would be foiled by the vigilant media and political parties.” I just hope to God that he was not referring to his own party – PML Q – as one of those vigilant parties.

PS: I actually read the newspaper while waiting at the dentist’s. So miffed I was with The News that after I came back, I tracked all the news that I remembered and linked it to this post. Reading it was definitely more painful than scaling, really.

PPS: If possible, the epaper header has even more atrocious English.

Clip to Evernote

27 Comments

  • hahahaha, killed it.

  • eeeeek! I feel your pain.

  • You can’t come in with like 3 pieces and take away all the honour for this newspaper.
    What about our great Times of India ?

  • sO glad someone spoke up against this stupid paper

  • how weird Tazeen, i was just reading your post while you were leaving a comment on mine!
    well im going to get back to reading and come back to speak up 😉

  • Tazeen, someone as intelligent as u is in the wrong place.. in the wrong continent, and in the wrong system.

    It is difficult to be a woman. It is even more difficult to be an intelligent woman. My sympathies are with u..

  • Actually there are a lot of intelligent women (people) in (and from) Karachi, and thank God Tazeen is one of them. This blog makes me smile 🙂

  • Lolz….it was very funny…

  • “Reading the news has never been like this before”- (The News Header)

    How very true!

  • “your session is expire”

    ALL YOUR SESSION IS BELONG TO US!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahhahahahha.

  • ”United States is trying to start a civil war in Pakistan by the year 2010”. (what i should i call it other then hight of our pethatic expectations)

  • Times of India and Hindustan Times are the funniest newspapers ever..

  • Times of India and Hindustan Times are the funniest newspapers ever..

  • Hilarious,LOL. Just on the 17th, there was this headline in The News ‘Butt caught between a rock and a hard place’ which you can see here.

    They’re deteriorating so fast, I don’t know what to say!!!

  • Haha….good ones, Tazeen.

    Now I had better sign off before my session had expired. 🙂

    Cheers,

    Quirky Indian

  • Reading any paper in Pakistan except Dawn is like reading a fucking comedy or a lame tragedy.
    The News’ column are a fine display of most pathetic losers writing from all corners of the nation just because they have some degree or a certain status to their credit. Lame criterion, if you ask me. And when you want to pour in some sensible stuff, the first pre-requisite is to know an ‘inside’ man. Bah!

  • I have a tip for The News. December 21, 2012. My bat shit crazy assed sources say that’s the end of the world. THAT must be when this American civil war is going to start.

    I wonder if they’ll fall for it…

  • Thanks for this, Tazeen!

    Alas, the world over, proper journalists and sub-editors are being replaced by idiot op-ed pieces purporting to be reportage and childish rewrites of Wikipedia…

  • I have not heard any good news from Pakistan in awhile. It’s so depressing. Makes me wonder if it will ever be safe to visit again.

    Oh and we American’s don’t want to shell out our tax dollars to help greedy politicans but our President needs to buy his way into Pakistan to fight terrorism. So it is what it is.

  • lmao what a bat shit crazy way to rip “The news” to shreds… amazing

  • The mistakes on The News and on GEO’s website are so glaring, I don’t even bother anymore. Great post btw.

  • Yes the news I have been hearing out of Pakistan is just awful. I am sorry to hear about the recent bombings on the university campus. It’s a terrible situation

    I don’t hear anything here about we in the US wanting to start a civil war in Pakistan as I can’t possibly see how that would help anyone. While the government here usually cares about its own interests first, a civil war is not in its best interest. I think the government here just really doesn’t know what to do to stop the terrorists from moving back and fourth between Pakistan and Afghanistan. I also agree with what Nassem says. No one here supports the war effort anymore. The government here will throw lots of money at your government to fight the terrorists but no one here likes that.

    That is a really badly written paper. LOL! Who is in charge of that thing?

    See you on September 33rd!!!

  • wooowww!!!

  • I happened to visit your blog through a link and liked this piece on The News. Then I scrolled down and saw the post ‘The tall and short of …’ and could not believe they were by the same person. To me it seemed plain name calling on the basis of people’s height and appearance. Worst still was the judgment passed on character of people based on their name – Chantal – and how they looked. I find it really hard to understand how the same person could have written these two posts.

  • Errrr.Don’t want to undermine your otherwise pretty decent blog, but is the pot calling the kettle black here? Reading your entry today titled ‘Pakistan and US: the unholy matrimony’ I have come to one conclusion: the word ‘the’ does not exist in your vocabulary. Just the first para could do with a ‘the’ in about eight places.
    Okay it’s a common enough problem in Pakistan, but the use or otherwise of a definite article does not a bad blog make.
    Yes, I agree The News can carry a lot of cringe-worthy stuff but I turn to it first thing because it is urgent and exciting and gives you a feel of what is going on in the country. Its editorial pages, which you dismiss so flippantly, are home to some of the best writers in the country.
    Dawn is sensible, proper and incredibly dull. Its news seems to have been pushed through a politically correct sieve to such an extent that nothing provocative or new or unexpected comes out of it. Its editorial pages are, save a writer or two, just plain worthy.
    If good language and content were one and the same, The Daily Times would rule the country. The paper overall has the best English but in terms of content is zero, all lifted, rehashed stuff and with a obnoxiously pro-government and pro-US stance.
    Which leaves us with The Nation, which is one anti-American conspiracy from beginning to end.
    Moral of the tale: content-wise The News gives me more than the rest,the occasional crap stories notwithstanding.

  • Reading ‘The News’ is more painful than a visit to the dentist. I think this is so true. A perfect example would be of the news in ‘The Nation’ of today. It reads that Blackwater has hired a few of Pakistan army men and journalists working for them on secret missions. The painful part is that a reputable name like The Nation picks this news up from a source called ‘Pakistan Daily’. Relying on information of Dawn, Wall Street etc makes sense but I completely fail to see how media can be so irresponsible as if foreign countries own them and whatever they say is published. How can our media target ARMY out of all people? Army which is losing five lives on average to save this land.

  • Neither sarcastic nor funny.

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