Jul 7, 2009 - published work    29 Comments

Three cheers for halal ness.

Damn the Jews!

They have beaten the more pious Muslim brothers to it again. A new ‘kosher’ search engine called Koogle has been launched for orthodox Jews living in Israel, which will allow them to surf cyberspace without ever encountering unbecoming images or faith wavering text and keep the dangers of subversion and temptation at bay. Koogle will follow the religious standards set by the rabbis and is aimed at helping orthodox Jews stay on the stipulated path.

Apparently a jibe at Google, Koogle will filter out forbidden material and provide its consumers kosher bits and pieces from the net. This provides an impetus to our more religious-minded Muslim brothers to come up with a halal search engine or perhaps something even better: a halal browser. The halal browser could scan the web and act all big brotherly for the benefit of its devout and virtuous users.

Ideally, the halal browser will check out the halal quotient of the content in cyberspace. The browser could also label web content according to different levels of halalness. The varying degrees of halalness could range from barely halal to standard halal and extra or strictly halal and everything in between.

The barely halal version will only let the user know that there is dangerous content ahead and warn that if you want to keep your faith intact, browse no further. The standard halal version will not only warn you about dangerous content ahead, but will also distort the appearance of the browser and scream ‘haram haram!’ Anyone with even a remnant of faith will cease browsing non-halal content and will revert to halal content. The reward for clicking along the righteous path would be Ovais Qadri naats in the background.

Meanwhile, the strictly halal version will not just warn you about unsuitable content; instead, it will just obstruct the material deemed inappropriate by the maulanas. For instance, if you are on Facebook or blogging to your heart’s desire and you see adverts with a semi-nude woman with a lollipop (and let’s just admit it, a woman with a lollipop is the ultimate test of your faith) asking you to buy this or that, fear no more. The new and improved halal browser, equipped with halal firewall, will take care of it for you. You can look forward to a situation in which only totally halal adverts for items such as halal chicken, halal chips, halal banking and Umrah tours pop on your browser.

If you are an online shopper and have indulged in shopping taboo items in the past, the new and improved halal browser will even curb your enthusiasm for all things forbidden and halt your purchase before you set up your Paypal account.

The only problem is that we do not have this halal browser right now. For a religious minded businessman, it is the best opportunity since halal foods and Shariah-compliant banking make some solid dough. If Junaid Jamshed is done with modeling for a commercial in the guise of public service message, which, let’s be honest, is really a fatwa in favour of a commercial product, he can now invest to develop the first-ever Shariah compliant halal browser.

Of course, if you were already using the halal browser, this blog would have been blocked at the get-go.

Originally written for Dawn

PS: Please read the comments at the Dawn blog, you will want to bang your head against a wall.

Clip to Evernote

29 Comments

  • so… using this browser, will the muslim brothers and sisters be able to shop at the muslim sex shop or not?
    it sells halal… err… stuff.

  • This is the best thing since the kosher coke introduced by Coca-Cola, complete with yelllow bottle-tops to distinguish them from the usual ones…

    BTW, think of the myriad viruses/worms which could be lethal for this halaal engine… the Laughing Rushdie Virus comes to mind… 🙂

  • Thank you for brightening up my morning

  • lolz….its funny…

  • Ha! LOL!

  • Damn the Jews?

    Stop hating them because they are more faithful or smarter 😛

    And why can’t we just use koogle or do they have Kosher chicken nugget ads there? And those ads will harm our faith?
    Anyways, how do the ads on websites work? By site or google/ web search engine? browser?

  • Oh Koogle is just a Jew directory I guess. Can you search other knowledgable things, places, news, etc?

  • ha ha ha ha ha!! totally hep!!

  • btw.. has it occured to u that you have a HUGE fan following in India also??

  • well jews indeed have once again proved they feel so much insecure that they have developed their own search engine.
    anyways, i do support a muslim search engine porvided it meets the requirementsa search engine

  • the article is in very bad taste to say the least. worst, it sounds more like one of the crude jokes omar sharif used to make during zia’a time about burqa-clad heroines and bearded heroes in movies. muslim bashing has become a fashion lately. if you don’t do it you are not a liberal. in this race to be counted among the peers every body wants to take cheap shots at islam. so now a search engine developed according to jewish morals becomes a perfect excuse to malign muslims

  • Amna

    “Stop hating them because they are more faithful or smarter :P”

    OF COURSE THEY ARE SMARTER THAN YOU.

    You simply failed to understand that Tazeen is NOT HATING them. She is just funny in this post. Its called SATIRE. You stupid girl!

    Tazeen

    You are a class act.

    Lage raho Tazeen .

    Keep making us smile.

    Love u.

  • ROFL!!! You always make my day with your posts Tazeen!

    This is what I call “think global, act local”

    But seriously, it is really sad if someone wants a big brother to scan the web content and decide what is right or wrong for you (unless you are a 10 year old kid, even then I doubt if 10 year olds willingly accept policing by their parents ).

    You know what, another brilliant idea would be to have a “test of faith” brower. You can adjust the settings to any religion you want and then it puts in a sinful ad here and there and tests your faith! What say huh?

  • lolz test of faith browser :D.

  • That was brilliant, Tazeen. Yes, a halal version of google would be just what the doctor ordered, considering we already have remarkable Chinese and Jewish versions.

    @Ahmed: I think you are being unfair to Tazeen; she only has your best interests in mind. As she says, “Of course, if you were already using the halal browser, this blog would have been blocked at the get-go.” She is looking out for you! 🙂

    Cheers,

    Quirky Indian

  • Hahaha!! xD

  • @quirky indian: see this is the problem with software: it cannot differentiate between a good peice of writing and something that is in bad tasete. if it could, your jibe at me would have been blocked too.

  • Maulanas on FB!! *shudders* Please don’t tell me if it’s ever true.

  • he he, really funny! Btw, UAE is doing its own bit for ‘Halal-ing’ my internet experience – Koogle is blocked (and so are other semi-nude lollypop sellers)!

  • @Ahmed
    You will find people with attitudes similar to you every where in the world.
    US – Christians feel that the “liberals” have no morals.
    Pakistan – same thing, but here it is the muslims.
    India -same thing, but this time it is the hindus.

    Every country I have been to, I have seen people acting as moral police/guardians who feel they are the sole custodians of morality and appropriate behaviour. they are always on the lookout for perceived slights and insults.
    but the fact is..Nobody is out to get you or your religion ( be it islam, hinduism or christianity)

  • @shumaila: where did i say that liberals don’t have any morals? i don’t think that i even implied this any where in my earlier posts. i don’t know where you got the idea.

  • ROFLMAO!

    Koogle made me laugh but ‘jewtube’ takes the cake!!!

  • Awesome! We wont be able to browse our Darling President or PM either or anything politica, the religious pundits are promoting Khilafat over Democracy these days.
    Am headed to Dawn to check the comments.

  • LoL. what would we call our version of google ‘hoogle’.

  • woow.

    thats something that i definitely see as a success.

    I mean,

    the only thing that you’d be able to surf would be…..

    halaal.com

    and

    dogsrus.com

  • wait.

    are dogs halaal?

    scratch that, then!

  • Agahi said…

    LoL. what would we call our version of google ‘hoogle’.

    Hoogle is good, though I have to admit “Haggle” came to mind as well 😉

  • when muslims develop things in compliance with religion, its extremism and being “opressed”…when the jews do, its expression of personal religion.

    when nuns cover their heads and rabbis have beards, its personal belief. When muslim women wear a hijab and men choose to grow a beard, they are fundamentalists.

    when they raze down gaza with tanks…its elimination of terrorism….when a kid throws a stone at a 70 ton tank…..he is a terrorist. wow.

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