I woke up this morning with electricity breakdown and I just knew that it would not turn out to be the day that I wanted. As soon as I started my car, Atif Aslam was crooning (read crying) on both the radio channels that I listen to. I had to tune into another radio station just to avoid him which is a lot of effort for someone like me. Then, I got pulled over by the traffic sergeant for actually driving the way everyone should; that is staying in my lane. I used my gift of gab, impressive angrezi skills and last but definitely not the least; my employment card from my previous job (the biggest TV channel in Pakistan). He behaved the way most sergeants behave with journalists in a third world country; he bowed with a smile and left way.
Then I got late for work and had to placate a boss who, on best of the days, is instable (and I am putting it very very mildly) and can flare up over the minutest of things. After I settled in my make shift desk, (yes, I recently got evicted from my cabin) I had to endure an interrogation session by this bozo at work who is intolerable on the best of the days and today has most certainly not been a good day so far.
I am sure it is quite obvious by now that I don’t love my job. I have been called for the second interview for a job that I wanted badly. I was almost offered the job but was offered such a horrible package that I had to refuse (WHY ME???). Heartbroken, I came back to work and honked my horn like crazy all the way because of every motorcyclist in this blasted city had decided to drive in the first lane this particular afternoon. I came back and asked for tea and was given a lukewarm tea. Lukewarm tea!!!!! What can be worse than that??? Well a milky lukewarm tea.
To cheer myself, I though I should check my email (all you people who know me should have written to me, but none of you did) and guess what I found. An email from Liberty Books announcing new arrivals! Among other books, there was Twice as Good, Condi’s biography, but I had decided that being a patriotic Pakistani, I would not read that because she bitched about our lame duck PM Short-cut Aziz (yes, he IS lame duck. Imran Khan is working hard to get (s)elected for the next term). At the end of the list, I saw three titles, first was ‘Keeping the Love You Find: Single person’s Guide to Achieving Lasting Love’ which tells you that your dream of finding a partner is a natural and normal human instinct and your dream is perfectly achievable. Whatever your history, whatever your heartbreak, as a single person just read this magic book and wild passionate love awaits you at the corner (yeah right).
The second one was ‘Getting the Love You Want: a Guide for Couples’ which claims to have helped thousands of couples attain more loving, supportive and deeply satisfying relationships. Read the first book to find the love and read the second one to keep it (what would have happened to the global social fabric if it were not for these two books).
If you thought the first two titles were … well cheesy (and I am using this word for the want of a cheesier word), the third one takes the cake, the pastry and the pudding. It’s called ‘Fertility Foods: Optimize Ovulation and Conception through Food Choices’. What a great trilogy it is; you find love, you keep love and if you cannot conceive after finding and keeping that love, here is the guide to food that help you double the ovulation or put an added zing to your little runners (depending on your gender of course) and significantly improve your fertility and reduces the chance of miscarriage.
What the world is coming to? One can’t even check emails without getting reminders that one has not ‘found’ love, hence cannot ‘keep’ that unfound love and the fact that if you don’t do that soon enough you may need to take help from Dr Mumbo Jumbo’s fertility food to optimize ovulation! I want outta this world, and I want it soon.
Am I wrong, or is it not halal enough to want to die?